Yep, this is me. It is the word that best describes me...
having the power to produce a desired effect.
I like words that start with E. I am partial to other people whose names also begin with E. I am E centered. I once named all of my farm animals with names that started with E: Evangeline, Enid, Echo, Easy, Enya, Esmerelda. It was a thing.
So besides my partiality to words that start with E and then just words in general, I really like today’s word because I think it is so descriptive of how I have attempted to live my life...and it is also part of the problem.
My problem is that until very recently, I have been very confused. I seem to believe that I have the power to produce a desired effect. And, I do. Often. I have been fairly successful in bending things to my will and getting the effect I have desired, or you have desired...
But recently, despite all of my best efforts, I have failed...totally, unabashedly not been able to produce the desired effect...
And I have had a very hard time with that...
What do you do when the whole of your life has been about bending spoons? Using sheer willpower to move people, places and things according to your will. It seems like you end up just sitting with yourself and having to accept the very hard truth that control is an illusion and a super seductive one at that.
I am having a very hard time accepting that I cannot produce the desired effect in my life right now on a whole variety of subjects. I want to exert (another E word) and get the results I desire. In other words, I want what I want when I want it. And I am stymied as to why all of my previous efforts are not working...
Why do I now lack the ability to produce the desired effect? What happened? Where did all my efforts go and why did they stop working?
I have no idea but I know that I will someday in the future know more than I do today. Maybe not all of it, but some of it. Some of it I will know.
For now there is really nothing more for me to do except, accept. To trust that I am not getting the desired effect because I am not supposed to. I am getting something new, and that is scary and I do not like it.
But what I have a taste of is this: what if all of my efficaciousness was the problem all along? What if my superpower ability to produce the desired effect is what has really prevented me from ever getting what I really want. Perhaps my willingness to settle for my desired effect is exactly what stands in my way of ever really getting what I need.
Tricking thing desired effect, doesn’t mean needed effect, or needed outcome. It just says desired effect...and I don’t know about any of you but my desires change like the weather. I want this, then I want that, then I want this again. It is always shape shifting into some other form, an illusive quest that I will never be done with because I can distract myself with fifty million reasons and plans and schemes all designed to get the desired effect.
DAMMIT!
So what happens if I peel back my own efficaciousness? What is underneath all of my effort to produce a desired effect?
I have no fucking idea because I have never sat still long enough or worked hard at NOT producing the desired effect to find out! Well, until now. I am doing things a bit differently, it is hard and painful and gut wrenching. But I can see that I really do want something other than what I keep getting in a variety of different areas of my life. I am willing, perhaps just for today, to allow some other force to produce an unknown or currently undesired effect...all of my own efforts have brought me to a place where I am restless, irritable and discontented far too often for the great life I have. There has to be another way...
So perhaps I will sideline my own efficacy, to allow for some other power, some one other than me, to produce a heretofore unknown desired effect in my life. Perhaps, there is some divinity out there that knows what I need and want better than me and might have a more effective and efficacious route there if I will only just get the hell out of the way...
Efficacy is important but perhaps not as much as I think it is...perhaps the most important thing right now is to wait and see what happens. Allow this down time, to teach me new lessons, that for whatever reason, I find hard to learn...perhaps until and unless I slow down, I will never see that my current methodologies have never really provided me the desired effect...only the desired result. Perhaps, by sitting still, I can finally see that effect and result are not the same thing...
