There is so much going on right now. So many things that are happening in my life. So much change, all at once. I am doing my best to hold on, maintain and show up for the ever changing landscape of my life. I am really doing my best. I am sure I am failing in so very many ways, regardless, it is my best.
I am still reeling from the devastating news from Friday. I am trying to take right action. I am showing up for those involved and doing my best to be of service.
I am parenting my children. I am showing up and attempting to be present when everything is in flux and curling into the fetal position in my bed seems like a much better option. I am showing up anyway. It is, again, my best efforts.
My dad is not doing well. I cannot really help. It is kind of up to God and him now. I can only stand by, be at the ready and support both him and my mom the best I can. It is heartbreaking.
Through all of the shitshow of the last month, I am maintaining that this life, as it is unfurling, is my best life. It is all falling apart so that it may come back together. It is all ripping at the seams so that a new seam may be crafted. I get this. All happening to me and for me at the same time.
When things fall apart, it is ok. When things come together, it is ok. It is all happening exactly as it should be. It is all occurring and unfolding daily. Each moment, easing into the next and my feelings are really the only thing that is totally, 100% out of my control.
They hit me in waves, sickening heartbreaking waves of loss and grief. Each new wave ever threatening to overshadow the wave just prior and me, I am struggling to remain upright. Me attempting, somewhat feebly to give each new event, each new loss its equal due, its time within my soul and heart. Wishing, oh so wishing, to shut it all down, but knowing that is an old behavior. It is an old way of dealing with life. And it doesn’t work, not ever. I know, I tried until it almost killed me.
I am trying to be honest with myself, my inner circle about what is unfolding. It is hard to talk about. It isn’t for public consumption. It is private and well, I have thrown myself out there in a public forum and now feel torn between telling everyone everything and no one anything. Discretion has become my new best friend.
I am sharing what I can about my journey. That is what I pledged to do. I cannot and will not involve the others that are entangled with me. They are entitled and deserve their privacy. And so I soldier on, silent on all that exists beneath my surface.
I know this is right but secret keeping almost killed me once and so it has this vague, piercing feeling that almost chokes me out at times. I feel so heady, so light and heavy at the same time. So I focus on the tasks, I do the tasks of living, the next right indicated thing. The next painful, hard thing that is feeling way too familiar these days.
Loss is loss. And there is no way out but through. I know this. I have said it to clients a million times. It is hollow today. It seems like a long dark tunnel but I know that it isn’t. That is just the way it feels now. Later, maybe next year, maybe this afternoon, it will feel lighter. I will tilt my head back in the sunshine and know and feel that I am being cared for. I am ok. I always have been and I always will be. It is all ok. Really. Even though it feels like too much. It isn’t. Ever.
I have survived 100% of my bad days thus far and I have had some awful ones. I have had some really terrible things develop. This is just another go round on the merry go round of life. Sometimes the view amazing and pleasing and other times, hard, stressful and too much. Regardless, I get to do it. All of it and I am incredibly grateful that through all of the shitstorm of the last month, I am here, breathing in and out and trusting, forever believing that all that comes to pass, is meant to be. And I do not have to like it to accept it. But I feel much better when I find a way to love the unloveable and accept the unacceptable. This is my becoming...again.