Well we made it to Montana. Very late and I was a bitch. I was so tired and hungry and just spent. I pushed through but my mood and temper were the casualties of my own over extension. Why does it seem so frequently that I am the last one to know that whatever it is I am trying to do is too much, way too much?
So apparently, flying from remote Alaska to Montana with lots of luggage and a teen aged boy who I am just getting reacquainted with, over four states and three time zones was too much for me. Oh, while working also.
They lost my luggage (again) and we had to idle time in Spokane in order to get it at all before I have to leave and fly out again...
I was intermittently overwhelmed, exhausted, emotionally overwrought and not my best self. I really wanted to be different, but alas, I was not.
It made me wonder, is behaving like an asshole just the byproduct of insane productivity? I mean I get a lot of shit done but I am not my best self...
I guess what I learned yesterday is that there is a price we all pay, and for all I mean everyone around me, when I try to do too much. I can accomplish great shit but I do not seem to have the ability to do it with a good attitude, well at least not yesterday.
My inventory so that I may avoid acting like I did yesterday, today which seems to be another day where I am asked to accomplish more than I might really be able...
I didn’t sleep well. I couldn’t fall asleep and then was up and down all night, finally waking up at 2:45 am and staying up. This was really the main issue of the day...I do not do tired or hungry well.
I also did not eat enough, early enough to give me a firm foundation for the day. I tried to nap on the plane but wasn’t able to. Seattle airport was incredibly crowded and bunched all of the Montana travelers into this tiny gate where it felt like we were all cattle being corralled for slaughter. It was stressful, all the people, vying for too few seats and space. It only added to my stress.
I walked through the day irritated and taking people’s inventory. My favorite sign yesterday as I drove late night to Montana was this: “Now Hiring Non-Stupid People”. Seriously it was the first time I laughed all day. But that is how I felt yesterday, like everyone was put in my path to irritate me and they succeeded.
The airline lost my luggage (again). Montana is three hours away from Spokane so I had to decide to either leave it to them to get me my stuff or wait around until they got it there on another flight. I will never understand how all three other bags made it, but mine did not. I didn’t lose my shit with the baggage guy and just decided that I would rather maintain control over the bag to the degree I could than to rely upon transport to get it to me whenever they got around to it...
My son and I had to get him some things for boarding school so we took the time to go do that while we waited for my bag to arrive. That is always a trigger for both of us. Him wanting things that I am not willing to buy or items that cost a ridiculous amount of money. And it went how it always goes, him hurt and me irritated and not very nice. We recovered quickly but I was super disappointed in myself. Still am. I mean really I wasn’t able to rise above for just the one fucking day?? Nope.
Then I tried to juggle Target and a work call. That was stupid. I did the best I could but I can see now that what I really did was break myself down into pieces that were of no value to anyone, most especially myself. I won’t do that again. I felt so torn and stretched. I gave everyone the worst of me. And in the end, that is all I was left with.
We drove for three hours East and finally got to our Airbnb at 10 pm. Then we had to drag in all of our shit. I was tired, really exhausted, and hungry. I got take away pizzas for dinner and then almost burned the place down. I was not my best self and I reverted to old habits: my good friend anger and irritation. I took it out on Logan and he did not deserve it. Why do I think it is his fault that his mother does not do a good job managing her own outer limits? Fuck!
I collapsed into bed at around midnight. Spent. Disappointed in myself and tired. So very tired.
I woke up this morning full of regret and still tired. I am going to meditate, do some yoga and try to be present for my child this morning. He deserves the best version of me today and I am not sure where that person even is right now. Somewhere between Alaska and Montana which is a lot of ground to cover when trying to find the better version of yourself.
I guess my lesson this day is that I do not do a good job at listening to myself, my inner voice that says, “this is too much, you can’t handle this.” I seem to have this other inner voice that says, more loudly, “Shut up and get on with it, there is shit to do!” I have decided I do not like the person with the loud, bossy voice. She isn’t who I want to be so I am going to do my best today to keep her in check and go for the loving, much less productive version of myself. Consequences be dammed. I may not get as much done, but I will like myself a lot more while doing less. And that is just going to be ok today...and maybe forever. Time will tell...