They are kicking my ass again. I get these ideas about how things will be or how people will be more specifically and for the most part, never really go as I would like. I am there again.
I really needed something yesterday and I didn’t get it. I needed it from one person and that person, for whatever reason, just couldn’t show up in the way and manner that I needed. And it makes my stomach do flip flops.
There were a lot of other people who showed up. A lot. And their efforts are not at all diminished by this one person’s inabilities, but it did put a pall over an already exhaustingly hard day.
I have told myself for a long time that I expect too much. But really I don’t. I think I have said that to myself for a very long time because that made it easier to bear the disappointment. That made it less painful to own the fact that I feel let down.
But on a brighter note, there was progress yesterday. I was so happy to have the support of everyone else. It meant the world to me that people I love and care about took the time to check on us to see how we were faring. There were also so many people who I am not that close to, or don’t know that well that showed up for me/us. Thank you. I will not let the failure of one damped the gratitude for the many.
I have been here a lot, in this place where all I have is what I wished for and what I didn’t get, again. Self pity is knocking loudly at the door. But I won’t answer today. Today I can see that I am being provided a message. A sign, a flashing yellow light that is here to warn me that I am treading into dangerous territory. And usually, I choose to ignore the glaring yellow light.
Today I won’t. I see it and I am calling it out. More for my own accountability than the other persons. Because this is my life after all. I’m in charge of what I allow to enter, to stay and what I can choose to let go.
It feels like I have let go a lot but it appears like I am there again. And I have mad letting go skills by now. So I know exactly what to do...let go, bless the person and hold myself in higher esteem. Pray for guidance that fear not be my leader and that I can always go for the love instead of the resentment.
I have gotten this wrong the whole of my life. Taken the let down from another person not being able or willing to give me what I needed, and folded that neatly into a story that I was too demanding, I was too needy, that there was something wrong with me, that I was not worthy. I am not going to do that today. I am one of the most un-needy people I know. And while I am somewhat demanding, not this case, not this time.
Instead of doing all my usual stuff, I am just letting go and moving forward. I have become somewhat expert on moving on from things and people not meant for me. And apparently I get more practice today.
At the base of all of it, I wonder if I will ever get it right. To be important enough to someone else that they will just inherently show up and help me to shoulder whatever it is I am going through. Maybe. Until then, I will own my own misperception, my own lack of judgment, my own inabilities to connect. And I will see, one more time that there is a lesson here that I am just not getting despite all of my failed attempts. So I will have another go at an old issue and use it to come to know myself better. I will let go of resentment and anger and I will walk toward loving understanding of myself. Perhaps then I might come to know that which vexes me so.
Today I will walk through hard things. Today I will leave my son on a giant island that is so remote. Today I will have faith that we have been led to this moment in time for good reason, and for our own higher good. I will trust and I will practice faith even as it wanes. I will trust that we all have our lessons and it is time for him and I to be separated for now.
I love him with all that I am but I know that my love for him is slowly killing us both. Somehow the love I feel and express has become a prison where there are only hostages and inmates. And I am not really sure which of us is which...
Today I will fling wide the cell doors of my heart and release him onto the wilds of Alaska and pray that it can teach him all that I have not. I pray that somewhere out there on the ragged shores and calm bays, that he find himself worthy of all the love. And I pray that he can take it in instead of pushing it away. And that he might someday be able to return to me, to this family and community, resentment free, and loving the life he has and is empowered to be something other than a taker, a liar, and a thief.
And I pray for myself that I am able to wash away the past, my own resentments born out of fear and frustration, and allow them to be healed again. To go for the love even when I am afraid, unwilling to be vulnerable and to continue to heal all that wounds me still.
There is a huge difference between expectations and hope. I know that now. I can feel the difference...in every cell of my being as it reverberates the unlocked secrets only Alaska knows.