Well the creative and fear log jam have finally released. Thank fucking God!
I have been blocked and in my own way for months. Like nine. And the financial situation was getting critical. And I knew all along I am not one with independent wealth; I can't take a year off and make that work. I didn’t know that I could take nine months off and make that work but somehow it did.
And it was a good nine months. I did a lot in that time, very little of it work related...but I guess I needed the down time. I worked like 50-60 hours a week for seven years. While being a single parent with two kids, one of whom has some pretty serious and difficult issues. It was a lot.
Looking back now, I really don’t know how I did it. M & M. Mom and Maria. That is how I survived. The two of them helping me, covering for me, granting me reprieves when I needed them. That is the only way any of us made it through that time.
I know that I hid in work to some degree. My home life challenging and hard. Work was where I felt competent, which was needed for me to find any kind of balance. At home, I just felt like a never ending failure. Always having the same issues with my son over and over again. And watching as my daughter just foundered. Feeling impotent and powerless to effectuate lasting and meaningful change.
But the work escape, like most escapes I have indulged, came with a high price tag. What allowed me the delusion of competence came with a pretty high cost. It was crushing to be told after seven years of service, giving my all, that I wasn’t really needed, that I didn’t really matter. My help was inconsequential. What the fuck was I working so hard for? To make someone else money? To not be valued (appreciation is not value...and it is often manipulation if you aren’t careful)?
I guess every form of refuge has its price...fuck I love that line. Thank you Eagles!
And that is true. All escape comes with a price. And you will pay it. Always.
Mine came in many forms. In most of the ways that you would expect: exhaustion, fear, regret, absence, lack of presence.
I didn’t expect the crisis of confidence that followed and bled into all the other areas of my life. I didn’t expect how much grief and sadness I felt. I didn’t expect that it would take me nine months to right myself. But it did.
We never know what will unclog the log jam of indecision and fear. For me, it was a timely coffee with a new friend that started the flow. And with that fateful coffee date, life began anew for me. I arrived at the meeting full of all the same shit that I had been dealing with for months...and left with a renewed sense of purpose and drive. My friend is an inspiration, she has moxy and over drive. I love her. And now, feel an immense gratitude for her and to her. She was my beacon in the wasteland of life after law firm.
And so the River of Erin began to flow. And fuck, it is rushing now. So much going on. So much productivity. I am so blessed. I am so incredibly grateful. Not just because I need to make money to support myself and my family. But because I have found a new purpose. A purpose that is not overshadowed with the doubt and insecurity I allowed someone else to cover me with.
I can help people. I always have. And now I feel like I know how to do it.
I am in the desert this weekend. Celebrating my boyfriend’s birthday and just taking a brief time out before the deluge (I pray that it is a deluge! I know I have a lot of work to do!) and I feel like I have been wandering around in the woods for months, and now have landed myself on the edge of this vast open space. What would appear to be a wasteland of sorts. Nothing for miles and miles...just open sky, Joshua Trees and the occasional road runner. But I will tell you that I feel more alive than I have in months. Invigorated by the removal of so much stuff that I place way too much importance on.
We laid on the couch last night in the firelight. He read while I worked. Each of us having our own experience of peace. Then when the reading and working was complete, we collapsed into each other and talked...and laughed and something shifted in me again.
The desert is a great place to find yourself because there isn’t a lot of shit going on out here. I know who I am. I know what I want to do and I can feel it bubbling beneath my skin. Life has taken on new meaning. I feel more alive than I have in months, maybe even years.
I am in the flow...unblocked and ready to begin helping others do the same.
Moonlit dip at Yee Haw Ranch, Yucca Valley, CA. #yeehawranch