I think about my freedom to not a lot. Freedom from not drinking. That really provided me the basis for all the other freedoms. By putting down the booze, everything else opened up. Today I have a lot of freedoms, but I have to say that I don’t really feel free a lot of the time. I seem to exist on this plane where I am constantly running. Life happens in the gaps between the laps. And I am tired of it. I feel like I am missing the best parts of the day by always having too much to do.
So I am going to work on a new way of thinking...
Freedom to...
Today I have the freedom to eat and make myself food that is not out of a box. Yesterday I ate something (out of a box) while I was drying and curling my hair, while talking on the phone...not good. It didn’t feel good while I was doing it and it doesn’t feel good now remembering it.
A painful reminder of how much I have lived this life absent from myself. Like somehow running away from me became the goal, the methodology and the plan. And where was I when this all went down? Running around like the nut that I am.
Right now I am sitting in bed, drinking coffee, writing and watching the new day light up my room. The birds are singing their morning song, happy to greet a new day. They don’t miss the dawn. They have a lot of work to do today, constantly on the hunt for food, but they always sing their song every morning. Their own meditation and homage to the present day. To the moment. They are alive and here and singing. They have the freedom to...
I could learn a lot from these birds. I do not want to eat worms or bugs...but I could remember to greet each day with a song, even just allow their song to usher me into this new day where I get to live this life.
I can own the fact that I am tired despite all the sleep I got last night. And that is not normal. I should wake feeling rested, but I don’t. I am tired way more than I should be. And I should probably take a look at that. And I can allow that to register this morning. Write down to call my doctor to see what is up. Why am I so tired all the time?
I envy my cats who slumber strewn about me like lingerie carelessly thrown...they languish. I could learn a lot from them too.
Today my freedom to is going to be eat three meals. I mean three actual meals. I am going to grant myself the freedom to take a lunch hour. I mean a real one. Where I sit down and eat something somewhere other than my desk. I might read a book. Ok, maybe that is overreaching. Baby steps...
The reclamation of a life existed and driven on the very cutting edge of busy is going to take some time. Slowly seems the pace, lest I slip back into my old well worn ways. Motor driving hard and fast to no particular end except exiting my life.
Today I will exercise my freedom to be here, present, breathing in and out. I will not be rushed, hurried by myself. I will give myself the freedom to just relax and enjoy this day, and when I forget I will remember how hard it might be to be a bird who takes the time to sing each day, rather than be the early bird getting the worm...from my perspective, that feels like it might take a lot of effort...to remain tethered to my perch, belting out a song for no one but myself while I let others race about, panicked at the day’s tasks. I might remember that worms are the prize which is a great prize if one is a bird, not so much if you are Erin.
