I think this is the fifth or six time in a row that the full moon has awakened me. I think it fair to say that the full moon disrupts my sleep cycle every month. I know that it has always affected me, but now that I am keeping track, I am sure of it!
I feel almost like the moon is jealous that I am sleeping instead of marveling in its beauty. And so, it wakes me up to try to entice me outside and into the cold night to view its glory.
Most of the time, I don’t go outside and marvel. I am tired and worried about not getting back to sleep. Last night was no different, I awakened and my body let me know immediately that it thought it was time to get up. I was tired but alert. I went outside with the dog, as is our habit. I glanced upwards but I was more annoyed with the moon than I was in awe. I found myself wondering why every time there is a full moon, I need to not sleep?
Last night the full moon was visible to the entire world, not just parts of it. That hasn’t happened since World War II. And once again last night, I could not sleep because of it. My view full and complete and my sleep light and intermittent.
As I mentioned yesterday, I am super sensitive to light. It affects me and my moods. I am happy it was light at 6 am this morning. But I am also really sad that the darkness is going to come earlier and earlier now. And moon light is light nonetheless.
There are tons of blogs and articles out there about the Blue Moon on Halloween and its significance. I am not really interested in any of that. My day at a time existence, can’t handle future tripping, even astrologically. If I am in tomorrow, I am screwed. Always.
What I know for sure is that there is a lot going on beneath my surface. The moon and its disruption is giving me information about internal shifts and upheavals that my waking mind would rather leave alone and unexamined. But the moon seems to know how to reach those parts of me that I prefer to let slumber. Resenting the intrusion into my interior...but too feeble to keep my barriers.
Next full moon, I am going to try to sleep outside. To see if there is a way for me to somehow make peace with its opulence. To see if there is a way to embrace it and not feel so disconnected from the pattern and cycle that it disrupts every month.
For today, I am a little tired from my early morning engagement with the moon. I find myself wondering how it knows that there is much going on beneath my surface that I am not dealing with or addressing. And how it has the power to wake me from a peaceful slumber to get my attention and show me where I am stuck, misguided or off course.
As I started upwards last night, irritated and tired, I saw the beauty in the night time sky and wished that I had more time in my life to lie around looking upward. To spend more of my time searching the night time sky for its treasures. I would rather be outside than in. I still wonder as to why I have an inside job, so much better suited to be in nature rather than an office. I did feel a level of acceptance in my night time arousal that this, even while disruptive, was in fact also normal.
I am a light holder. I need the light, crave the light and seek the light. And apparently, moonlight is no different for me. My living rhythm needing all the different types of light for completeness. I guess last night, I realized that information comes even while I sleep and sometimes I need to be awakened from my rest to see a new perspective. The moonlight was so bright last night as it lit up my deck. Despite my annoyance, I felt bathed in light and healing and peace. I returned to my bed, knowing that my reluctant moon worship would grant me a few more hours of slumber with the assistance of mindless Netflix watching.
As I drifted away again, I wondered why I needed to disconnect and tune out from myself to be granted a little bit more time sleeping. And I realized that sleep always is available to avoid, but sitting in the light, gives hard terms to delusional, dissociative thinking. Because the light will always reveal that which darkness hides.
