Yesterday I blamed the moon for likely a lot of things that were totally not its fault. Sorry, moon. My bad.
It was actually quite beautiful, if not stunning. However, its effects on the mental stability of those around me is somewhat of an issue. But we made it through.
What I realize the most today is how much some sleep and 24 hours can change things. I had like four major perspective shifts in the last 24 hour period. All of them, towards my relationships with others, well and myself.
Where it left me this morning is with this overwhelming idea that I have no idea what will happen next in this life. I am here, thinking I know shit but I do not. Things happen unexpectedly and I cannot know what is around the bend. This terrifies and makes me laugh at the same time.
Which brings me to today’s topic: humility. My ability to be right sized about me. Where I land and take up space in this world. I am something that is amazingly beautiful yet also broken, scarred and misaligned yet is dearly loved. And that is exactly how I feel about a great deal of you...and these children I am trying to raise.
As my life marches on, I am struck by how much less time I spend worrying about what you think, and laugh that I spent so much time thinking that you thought of me at all. I find it bordering on hilarity at how much time I have spent in my life thinking about what you are thinking. As if I could ever know...then having relationships with people who would never, ever tell me the truth! And I picked them. I allowed those people in my life. I granted them access then spent my time, my precious I-am-never-getting-back-time, with them. What a waste! I can see it now and feel it on a cellular level.
My latest row with humility has me thinking and feeling and looking at how much I have worried about the thoughts of others, over how God might see me. How I might be damaging my relationship with God...and how little that really mattered to me. How much I supplanted and valued the worship of other things over truly communing with God and seeking a spiritual life.
Full moons are not the problem. And they do not suck. They just are. It was my attitude that sucked yesterday, nothing more. Today, I can have a different start and the moon is just fine, as it is. No blaming necessary or required.
Today, well at least in this moment of today, I want to walk towards humbly moving towards God. I want to do the right thing, for the right reason. And I want that to begin with me knowing and experiencing holding my own, with me, for me and to me. God, would want that I would think. For all of us to so completely inhabit our lives and place in it, that we are wholly present, available and aware of the miracles that surround us all the time.
I do not drink anymore. That is the largest fucking miracle of all time. I was a hopeless drunk and now I am not, well at least not today. The series of small daily actions I take over and over again, help me to have become a person who doesn’t drink and destroy herself in some sort of silent daily death measured out in ounces. Who knew?
I am going to continue to find this life exquisitely funny. To enjoy the fuck out of my day today. To let the moon off the hook and try to be the person God wants me to be today. I mean what the hell else am I supposed to do with this life? Truth: I have no fucking idea. So I might as well try to live it rightly, by spiritual principles that have never failed me. Not one single time. And always provide me perspective shifts...if I do the work to get myself out of my own way. So that God may use me to advance the only cause that has ever mattered: come to know oneself so that one can be of maximum service to others. The end.
