Yesterday was a hard day. I had a lot on my plate and several hard conversations, the work kind and the personal kind. This is not new, it is typical. But then something different happened...several people showed up and offered assistance out of the blue. I was amazed.
I cried on the way home from work. I just felt so overwhelmed with fear and gratitude at the same time. I think that is what made me cry. The fear turning into gratitude twisted me like a sponge and the tears just flowed.
I got home and more blessings befell me which is not my usual home life for sure. My family similarly showed up for me which is a regular occurrence. I have always been quite lucky in my parental draw.
As I went to sleep last night, I was wrung out but in the best way. I felt so cared for, so supported, so held up. This is not a common feeling for me. I frequently feel like I am flying without a net even though that is never really true. I just feel that way which makes it reality for me a great deal of the time.
As I drifted off last night, I realized that what I was feeling was immense and overpowering gratitude for the person I have become as a result of the people I have been privileged to work with, be raised by, be loved by. I am, in fact, surrounded with people who love me and care for me and really want to help me.
So, of course me being me, that feeling quickly threatened to turn into a feeling of guilt because I did realize that this was not a one time thing, these same people are there for me every day, the huge difference last night, was that I could feel it which is something that is often lacking in me.
But last night I told guilt to take a hike. Instead, I chose to bathe in God’s grace that enveloped me, held me and carried me. I drifted off to sleep feeling cared for, connected and loved. And I am so very grateful to be able to feel that way. There are still lots of hurdles to overcome in the next month but I know that I have a family, colleagues and friends who will support me and love me and be there for me. And I can see it, feel it and appreciate it right now in current real time. I do not have to wait for later and only be able to experience it in retrospect.
God’s grace feels good. And I am grateful to be awake enough to experience it all which of course includes being willing to feel the pain and the joy...sometimes at the same time. Life is this beautifully unfolding shitshow, full of problems to be lived with, solved, overcome and survived. And sometimes, if you are really present, you will feel immense gratitude for all of it while it is happening. You will see and feel grateful for the painful and the joyful at the same damn time. And you too can drift off to sleep feeling content even though so much remains uncertain. It can happen on a random Tuesday with nothing really resolved, except a steadfast belief that God's grace shines on even the darkest corners of your heart and mind, if you let it.