I think these Godquakes are happening all the time in our lives. And likely, if we were able to pay more attention to the energy fields surrounding us, we might see them coming better. Or maybe it is all just going exactly as it should...who knows?
But I know that there are these Godquakes that happen in my life, that shake up my life, shaking loose all the things, people, jobs, relationships, lovers, family, finances that are not working for me. I am never sure whether these things happen because I ignore reality for so long and they build up, or if this is just the natural order of things...and that no matter how on top of it all that I am, these life shaking events would happen anyway.
I am leaning more towards the later...because life just does it thing, one day after the next. And life is inherently messy.
I think the scariest thing about these personal natural disasters is knowing what to do when you find yourself in one. I mean, once the house stops shaking, or the water level goes down, or the fire is put out. Then what?
I know that during the storm, I am to survive by any means necessary. Flight, Freeze, Fight. That doesn’t take a lot of thought, in fact, my brain sends all responses to that place in my brain where my prefrontal cortex is over ridden and I am consumed with self preservation. The amygdala is in charge until it is not. Once my reasoning, thinking part of my brain comes back online, then what? I have survived the crisis, now what do I do in the aftermath?
I am in this process now. I have survived a whole host of relational quakes in my life recently. Some of which, arguably, I created. And some of which were long overdue. Regardless, I stand now in the wreckage of my present Godquake and find myself wondering, “now what?”
And I have come to accept that sometimes there is nothing to do but wander through the debris and sift through it and see if there is anything left that is salvageable, in myself or in what, if anything, remaining of my relationships.
From where I stand now, it doesn’t appear that there is anything left in any of the relational quakes. Just a lot of debris that doesn’t feel like it is all mine to sort through. So for now, I just walk past it, acknowledge it and pray that when the time is right I will know what to do about it.
I know that I am still standing, even it feels like it is barely. I am still here. And likely from other’s vantage points, I have grossly fucked things up. But I know that isn’t completely true because I feel lighter and freer and happier even as I grieve. I feel like I have a level of honesty that I did not possess before and am sad that I was not able to own my truth earlier and in perhaps a more acceptable way to others, I am grateful for the endings, all of them.
I regret the pain caused to all involved. But I do not regret the result.
It seems that life is more natural disaster prone lately. In the last few years there have been many Godquakes. And several actual natural disasters: wildfire, mudslide, pandemic. I have stopped looking for the locusts...lest my looking make them appear.
What I am left with today is a willingness to walk on, fonward (fucking onward to those that haven't been reading for years)! Moving towards the light, even if I am the only one that sees it. And trusting that all that is taken from me, is not meant for me. And all that is brought to my life, is meant to teach me lessons. One after another. And sometimes natural disasters, both real and personal, are life’s best teachers. I do not like them, for sure, but they do have a way of getting my attention better than anything else.
So I stand in my own life, ground still shaking from the most recent Godquake. Fearing the tremors that are still coming but trusting that when it is my time, there is nothing I can do about it. It will just be my time. And that until that time, I am to try harder, dive deeper, push more to grow into a better version of myself, even if I am the only one who thinks so.
And for me, moving forward with a space, a lot of space, for grief appears to be the only way forward in this life. I cannot experience these natural personal disasters without it. They are a part of life, and life is grievous, every damn day. But while I stand, ground shaking, fearing my own survival, I am reminded of all that I have already survived...and it is a lot. And I have found a way to be happy even as I grieve. I can use the past, all of it, to my betterment. To my gain, and I can share that with others so that they may also learn to happily live a life that includes grief, and pain, and loss and sadness and still find a way to enjoy life.
I used to be so closed and unavailable for the harder parts of life...choosing to drink or exit instead of deal with my life as it was. I was never happy, only temporarily relieved of my own oppression...which passed for happiness for a very long time.
Today, even with the grief, the loss and the pain, I am content. I feel more myself and can live with all that has just been shaken from my grasp, while I do not grasp for more to fill the void. Sometimes, after these Godquakes, I just have to be content to sit and watch the rebirth occur, one blade of grass at time, one wildflower, one relationship, one person at a time. It may take a long time for the rubble to become a natural terrain again, but in time, the scars that are left behind are covered over with a new landscape that, while different than the fire scarred one before, and more different still to the virgin landscape before the disaster, can be beautiful and life affirming in their own right. It really all depends on my willingness to sit still and allow that which is here to permeate me, to puncture that tough, hardened exterior which is so caught up with looking good, and allow instead a more vulnerable and soft version of myself to flower. And join the landscape once again.
