Going it Alone...
Someone said this the other morning, “If you want to go fast, go alone, but if you want to go far, bring others.”
And of course, it landed in me.
My instinct is that I want to go fast and I want to go alone. I don’t need others dragging me down and fucking up my plans. And I want to get there quickly. Monday, I realized that there was a much more direct route home from Montana that would get me home earlier and much more efficiently. I had a internal crisis right there in line to board my horribly inefficient plane. I am literally standing in the line to get on board and this is what I am thinking:
“I am going to spend three hours in Phoenix - that is time wasted. Go see if you can get on the more efficient flight.”
“Noooooooo! This is horrible and I am going to have an aneurysm if I don’t get on another flight that doesn’t waste time.”
“What the hell was I thinking when I booked this flight home?”
And the struggle was real...for a minute because this is my natural state. Ask me what the fastest route home is. I can tell you. Ask me what route actually takes longer but you rarely stop I can tell you. Ask me whether I can pick up your dry cleaning on my way home, I will tell you only if it is on my way...
So the answer to the first question is yes, I want to get there fast. And often, I would rather go alone. And that could likely sum up the entirety of my life, except...
I have all these beings that are tied to me: kids, goats, dogs, cats, horses, family, friends, colleagues. And I have always been surrounded in this way. It is by design. So I guess I do also want to go far...and I want others to join me, but I really would like them to hurry the fuck up...
And right there is probably the most damaging shit I have done to those who love me and are close to me. I select a pace that is a solo pace and then I drag everyone else along. It isn’t cool. I can see now that I have gotten it wrong...again.
If I want to go far, I am going to have to give up some of the speed. Maybe not all of the speed but some of it. And it can frustrate me, piss me off, make me act like an asshole to those I love more than anything. But if I could start off with a slower pace, a slower mental process, perhaps we could all go further and I could act like less of a jerk.
I can still go solo for those times that I just want to go fast. But perhaps I could be more mindful about what I need and want and then look around me to see if those about me are going to be hurt by my internal pace set point.
Fuck, this hasn’t occurred to me until today...
How is it that I can write and examine myself every single day and miss this glaring defect of character??? HOW!?
But today I saw it. And it landed in that space in my chest where that other me resides, the one who doesn’t push it all away, but instead has this superpower of embracing shit that hurts when it lands and assimilating it into my being. It feels like some sort bubble being injected into my blood stream and it is going to kill me dead, right fucking now. But this assimilator of facts about Erin that Erin would rather not know, has this gentleness about her that calms my initial panicked state and slows my breathing and reminds me that life run by Erin, for Erin, makes Erin kill herself. Oh, that again!
And we (that would be all the Erins that live in my head) decided a long time ago that we weren’t gonna do that anymore. And somehow, the life threatening air bubbles in my blood stream just fade away.
So today when this hit me square in the chest and hurt, I knew that it was something that I had to turn over and around and look at it from all the vantage points. And to also allow for the fact that I may never be able to see all the possible vantage points because I am not meant to or I just haven’t done the work yet to be able to see it.
But today my work was clear. To admit that I behave in a manner that begets going it alone and quickly, but I keep dragging all these beings with me on this mad dash to whatever the fuck I think can’t possibly wait one more fucking second for. And that causes them, and me, damage.
And that knowledge is ouchie.
But today I can just allow it to be ouchie and just let it sit there and permeate and sink in. It is already less painful than when the dude speared me with it at 7:30 Monday morning! I mean come on! 7:30 and I was destroyed. But today, I can recover. I can sit with hard thoughts and feelings and know that they won’t kill me even though it feels like it and my head makes a very persuasive case to the contrary. I do not have to go with those thoughts. I do not have to scratch the itch...the itch will go away all by itself...regardless of whether or not I scratch it.
And today, I found room in my head and heart to see that I need to look at what I am doing a little more. Maybe ask the question, fast or far, Erin? And THEN make the decision to invite others along. Because I am sure my children can attest that getting drug behind their mother as she sprints through life, always gaging and figuring out all the angles and paths of least resistance, is really not all that much fun...
Going it alone has its advantages. Seriously. I am a freedom seeker and don’t like to be nailed down. But I also have this amazing need to love and be loved that has given me this beautiful life where I am surrounded every day with beings that love the fuck out of me. Now, maybe I can begin to do my part to slow the hell down and let them enjoy the journey too.