I wish I had better news. I wish this week were different. I wish that my life was going down in pretty much any way other than the way it is right now.
I want to reach out and use something to make me feel better: chocolate, people, shopping, alcohol, drugs, sex. Any of the above would do...except they won’t. I have tried them all repeatedly and all of them work...for a minute. They move me forward past the pain and the hurt and the disappointment and the anger. They allow me to be distracted from the pain. They allow me to forget it. To miss some of it by fleeing from it.
But today, this week, pain surrounds. I am horrifically sad. I am wanting so desperately to reach out and do something. But I have been given the direction:
Text No one
Call No one
Don’t end anything
Don’t start anything
I can’t tell you how hard this is for me...those are literally the only things that I want to do. I want to text several people. I want to call a few others. I want to end several more and not end one very important one. I want to start a backyard project. I want to do anything except be right here, right now, feeling the way that I do...
But here is where I am. I am scared. I am in pain. I am confused. I am lonely. I am in tears a lot. I want to curl up into a ball in my bed and stay there for a few days. I want to shut my heart down and not care anymore...about you, about me, about life. I want the pain to stop...
But it won’t. It is here and it is demanding that I deal with it...and I do not feel equipped. I feel lost. I feel terrified. I feel like I should do something...and that something should involve any one of you...
But that place in my chest where my heart blooms or withers knows that I need to go within. I do not want to go there. I do not want to be alone. I do not want to go sit with myself. I want to run away...but I know that within is where I must go. It is where all answers lie. Always.
So I may be dark for a few days. I may be silent. I likely won’t return your texts or calls. I am trying to honor the current life crisis and just be still which is so fucking hard for me.
I am going to turn to the place where I least want to go, within myself. A place that I fear to tread, a place where I do not want to go.
Going within is the last place I want to be and I have to deal with that...despite my incredible resistance and desire not to.
I know that I am getting what I need. But right now all I care about is getting what I want...fuck my needs. But that isn’t how it works...needs are not wants...no matter how much I work to make it seem as if they are.
I am struggling to find someplace within my own soul that feels good. I am struggling to not say fuck it and shut the world down. The biggest joke is, as usual, on me...because though the desire is always there, I have never, ever been able to shut you out and shut it all down...so my go to escape route folly. One more delusional belief in a lifetime of magical thinking. I can no more shut you down than I can really alter how I feel. Oh, I can pretend and run and hide but the feelings are still there waiting to be dealt with when I am done running.
So I go within, holding up a small lantern to my very dark interiority. Trusting that whatever light guided me this far is still lit though obscured from my current view. This too shall pass...but not one second before I allow what is supposed to happen, to just unfold.
