Gratitude for Recovery...

I had no idea what I was getting into 30 years ago. No fucking clue.  I had no idea that alcohol was an issue for me.  I just thought I was incapable of functioning like I saw other people functioning.  Which is hilarious to me now, because I was in fucking law school and working five different jobs.  I mean, I was functioning, but it was the way that I felt about myself, being unable to ignore all of my dysfunction and how in any room I was actually in, there was only part of me present.  

I was always thinking about drinking, or recovering from drinking or actually drinking.  It was just an endless loop that allowed for no deviations, no change, no relief, just a downward spiral that felt never fucking ending.  But I had no other ideas, and as dumb as this sounds, I really didn’t know that alcohol, and how I was using it to cope, was an issue.  I know now that alcohol was the symptom of some deeper issues, but at the time that I sobered up, I really did not know that my drinking was THE problem.

And I am glad that when I got sober I didn’t know.  And I am supremely grateful that I didn’t know that alcohol was not THE problem, I was.  I am not sure I could have handled it at the time.  I think that would have been too overwhelming and  I would have just quit.  Given up.  And crawled back into the bottle.

Everything about how I was living my life changed when I got sober from my friend group, to how I spent my time, what I did every day, when I woke up, when I went to bed, who I dated.  It was all totally changed.  Perhaps not all at once, but everything in my life in that first year changed.

And looking back now, I did a lot of it wrong.  But somehow I stayed sober anyway.  I dated when I should not have been dating.  I moved to another state when I likely should’ve sat still.  I started several new jobs when I would have likely fared better to remain where I was.  But somehow, it was sobriety leading me to all those changes and because I was sober, I had this ability to trust my gut and that I was being led to something greater.

All of those seemingly self will run riotous ideas of that first year, became my becoming.  It all changed because it needed to.  I needed to get the fuck out of the South.  I needed to get away from my playmates and play things.  I needed a clean slate to begin again.  And while, to most of my home group back in the day, I was doing a major geographic, I knew that I was being led to what was next for me.

And this has happened for me several more times in my life:  when I left my hard earned career, sold my house and BMW and moved to the middle of nowhere New Mexico, when I left my stable marriage, when I relocated back to California, when I left my long standing job.  I knew the changes I was making were the right changes for me.  It didn’t mean that I wasn’t afraid, it just meant that I had the faith to move through the fear towards the identified goal.

And each one of those endeavors worked out, not exactly as I planned, but well, they all worked out well.  How do I know?  Because I stayed sober through all of them and lived to see what came next.  My sanity remained intact and I was able to pivot into a new life, one that was born and grown out of the old one.

Sobriety is everything to me today.  Without it, I know I do not stand a chance.  I am fucked of the highest order.  I am dead without a doubt.  And I know this because when I think of drinking, it isn’t often, but sometimes I do, I still want to drink exactly like I used to want to drink: oblivion.  I have always wanted first fun then oblivion.  And that has never changed.

They told me when I was new that I had to build my foundation out of bedrock and not sand when sand would have been so much more easily laid.  And as the queen of shortcuts, I really wanted to take the easier softer way, but I didn’t.  I did the work. I showed up.  I committed to service.  And I got the kind of life you get when you do some very simple things, daily.

Everything about my life is better because I am sober.  And while sometimes others choose not to hang with me because I am sober and to their way of thinking, “no fun.”  That is just fine.  Because I know that usually the people who are uncomfortable with my not drinking are people who struggle with their own drinking, and I wouldn’t want to hang with some sober asshole either when I was in my cups.  So I get it.

The amount of gratitude I have for being sober today increases with each day that passes that I don’t destroy myself, my family, my coworkers, my neighbors, my friends, my pets and my community with my alcoholism.  I get a daily reprieve and so do all of you!

I am so grateful for this sober life. It certainly has been a wild ride.  And I feel so blessed and favored to be in recovery and living my very best life.

Again, still...

I am grateful for

Chelsea making it through the wedding solo

All the things we can do in sobriety

Seeing Paula last night and seeing her happy

My friendship with Johnny

Turning the corner on my man issues

Getting closer to Big Sur trip

A couple of trips planned up North in the next few months

Being asked to speak for AA

Letting me off the hook for messing up the lunch with Jeff yesterday and rescheduling 

Jeff was so gracious about my screw up

Not being tortured by a relationship that I want to be right but is all wrong - that is a very wonderful blessing and experience

Booking my DC trip