I am there. The time that I have taken off has begun to feel like a burden. Like I am literally hanging on the down time. I am a doer. I am best when I am active and moving and scheduled. I tend to think that because I don’t have to go to work, that the time will never end and I will be able to get it all done, tomorrow. But pretty soon I will be all out of tomorrows and be starting a new job and then life will feel normal again.
And I am excited about that.
I know that I needed this time. Like a lot. Like I might have had some sort of break down without it.
So as usual, it all happens for me and to me at the same time.
I am grateful for it all, the conditions of my life that got me to a place where I was pushed to the edge because they provided me the reason and need for the hang time. And the money to be able to take the time. Then, the actual time to be bored. To just have nothing to do. Today, is a good example. I literally have nothing to do. Nowhere to go, no meetings, appointments, lunches. Just a whole day to do with whatever I choose. So lucky.
And there is work to be done. Step work that I have been avoiding. Yesterday’s writing that I didn’t have the balls to post so I posted nothing instead. My website needs to get done and finalized. I have some other business stuff that I need to do. But none of it has to be done today. None of it. And that is such a nice feeling.
I have learned to be stiller in this down time. I have learned to be quiet. I have adhered to a work out, meditation, yoga practice that has sustained me. Held me up. Fortified me for the life that I am leading. This is not to say that I do not still get pushed over the edge of myself, far too often for my liking. But I feel good generally speaking. And that is a result of me taking the time and investing it in myself.
I am so blessed. And I am grateful. Super amazingly grateful.
Hang time has turned out to be just what I needed. And I have grown into a person who can productively use the time to rest, to grow, to change, to sit idle a stare at a night sky, or rescue a baby crow, or just laugh with my kids, walk the dogs on the beach. I can be a person who is loving her life. All of it. The good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful and to know, believe and feel like I am finally at the center of my own life.
And hang time is part of what got me to this minute right now where I am here, present, alive, living, breathing in and out and happier than I have ever been, being me. Living this life.
And fuck if that doesn’t feel amazing. Thank you hang time, you totally got me!