I am happy. Like really happy. Even though there are areas of my life that are a total mess. I am still, happy. Almost drunk (figuratively only) with happiness at the moment.
I haven’t felt this way in forever. Like years. I am generally speaking, a happy person: I smile at strangers, I pet random dogs, I wave at small children in public. These are the behaviors of happy people. I am open, usually, to all who might engage with me. My sponsor would tell you that I give way too many people access...and she would be accurate. But I have found that my life is happier the more people I let in, however, I am learning to be more discerning.
I used the think that happiness was a condition precedent...that all of these other thing in life would come first, then I would be happy. I think a lot of people feel this way...and they waste so much time, energy and life waiting for the day that all those conditions precedent come, and they are sadly, sometimes life alteringly disappointed.
I learned a long time ago that happiness is an inside job. You can have everything in life that anyone wants and still be a miserable son of a bitch. Spend some time in Montecito, you will see what I mean. This is not to say that the wealthy in Montecito are all miserable, they are not. But go to Pierre La Fond someday for coffee in the Upper Village, you will see what I mean. Money, does not equal happiness. As with most everything in this life, it is what you do with it that makes or breaks you.
Some years ago, I removed the conditions precedent and had the audacity to be happy in spite of everything going on in my life: my children being errant, my job being a drag, my love life non-existent or troubled, my body, well not at all what I imagined it could be. But I decided to be happy anyway. And today, as I write this my children are still errant, my job, well is grandly in a state of perpetual flux, my love life has taken a most interesting turn, and dare I say, is fucking amazing right now. (More on that later - there are some things that I do keep private AND I am afraid to jinx it is I am honest). And my body and I have arrived at a place where we live in some sort of peaceful coexistence, even as it ages and fails.
Regardless, I am fucking happy. I have had the best weekend I can recall in at least five years. Maybe more. And I feel the happiness landing in my life. My ability to love whatever is occurring even if it is wild, or weird, or seemingly a waste of time. Whatever life brings, there is always cause to be happy...so I am.
I have walked through some dark shit in this life. And I have not only survived it, I have used that shit to mother fucking grow. I am who I am because of all that I have survived, and I am here, living this most amazing life, one day at a time, loving almost every minute of it.
When I think of the level of happiness I feel, I feel almost dog like - I mean they are default setting happy. All you have to do is speak kindly to them, they are elated. Take them on a walk, pet them, give them some food, they are over the fucking moon. We could learn a lot from dogs...and I have.
Life is going to be life. But happiness can land. And so it has, because I let it. And I make space for it and I do my best to keep the dark remnants of the past in their rightful place...and work hard to allow happiness to land, and slowly take over my life, regardless of the minutia that life brings, regardless of the pain, the sorrow and the loss, happiness always wins, you just have to let it.