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  • Writer's pictureeschaden

I am Ok, Really.

Ok, apparently my honesty has been cause for concern...I received several phone calls yesterday.  Thank you.  I am fine, really.  I am just growing through some things.  Long standing things that are hard and painful and not easy to talk about.  But I have this blog, so I kind of have to talk about them...because that is what I promised you and myself when I started this whole thing.  That I would be authentic and honest and as real as I possibly could be.  And, unfortunately, that is often not so pretty or palatable.


Real life living is not pretty.  It isn’t fabulous instagram posts every day until you are dead.  It isn’t being Facebook happy either.  In my experience, real life is fucking messy.  And right now, I am very messy.  I am attempting to resolve some long standing issues, and that is both painful and hard.  And, to be clear, I feel just like everyone else when confronted with hard, unpleasant things about myself...I DON’T WANT TO LOOK AT THEM OR CHANGE THEM!


I like, most other people I know, want to numb out, check out or dive into something or someone that provides immediate relief.  But I don’t know why, but ever since I came back from Ireland, that hasn’t worked for me.  Believe me, I have tried.  But all my old avenues of escape, ceased working.  If they were still working, I would be in some other delusional state where I was aware of my own deficiencies but still acting out in ways that allowed me to feel better, at least momentarily.


But for whatever reason, it is time that I look more deeply,  find a new level of acceptance and purpose, and confront some stuff that I would so much rather stay dead and buried.  But my past issues have taken on a zombie like quality, and though they were long ago interned in a graveside service, they have raised themselves once more and now haunt my present life with their fear mongering zombie qualities.


And, at least for me, zombies have always had this kind of mirthful demeanor.  I mean, they are out of their minds and half dead, not looking their best and really not all that smart.  Tenacious and hard to kill, but not all that crafty as it turns out.  And this is exactly how I feel about my current revisiting of shit that should be long over and done with...these issues are tenacious, shape shifting and do not die easily.


So there is some congruence with the zombie like nature of my “issues” and my unwillingness to want to deal with these fuckers again, still.  Fuck.


But here I am.  And I promised myself and then all of you a long time ago that I would let you see me. I would tell the truth.  I would say the things.  I would let you in.  So when I do that, it often, causes you concern about my wellbeing.  And seriously, so long as I am putting this out here, I am ok.  If I stop writing, if I just stop this whole blog, THEN you should worry.  Because if I am not able to bleed out some of my neurosis here, that means I am all alone with it and I promise that will drive me madder than a hatter in no time at all.


Again, it isn’t usually the trauma that fucks us up so much, it is being left alone to deal with the trauma, most especially when we are children, to sort through very hard things all by ourselves that really does the lasting damage.  And for some people, the scars inflicted in childhood remain well into adulthood and even old age.


We spend the second half of life getting over the first...usually the first 10 years of life and living.  I don’t know why it is this way, but I can tell you that has been my experience.  And then my solutions to those first 10 years fucked me up even more.  And I have been working to unpack it and assimilate it ever since. And it is intense work.  And it feels never ending. But it is mine and I know I have a choice, I can attempt to blot it out and all its myriad of ways that it shows up in who and what I am today.  Or I can accept, assimilate and do my best to heal that which may never be completely “healed."


So I am ok.  Just going through a lot at the moment and it is hard to talk about and hard to share and hard to live with and hard to change.  It is just fucking hard.  And because I am an addict, it is harder still because there exists this core person inside me that wants to block it and avoid it at every fucking turn.  It is kind of like attempting to build a block tower with a toddler who really just wants your attention.  You may get that tower built, but the toddler is going to level it time and time again.  So you are in a constant state of rebuilding...and oh yeah, that toddler is also a Zombie.


So I am operating on the most spiritual principle I know, when you find yourself in hell, keep going.  And that is what I am doing every day.  Attempting to avoid the Zombies and all their bullshit, going to work, parenting, attempting to be of service to those around me, not drink or blow up my life and take care of myself mind, body and spirit which is way harder than it sounds.


I feel lately like I have been given this gift of seeing pathology, mine and others, but at the very same time, I no longer have the stamina or the willingness to deal with anyone’s shit but my own.  And that is both freeing and isolating.


I will get through this time, it just may not look very pretty or be completely understandable.  I will do my best to own that which is mine and share what I can.  That is not going to be easy because I am preparing to deal with some pretty hard shit and long standing issues that I would rather just not.  But they are here, like zombies at my door and I have to figure out where they are coming from before I can shoot them in the head and put us all out of our misery.  Otherwise, the old zombies will just be replaced with new ones. Because, and I am not sure why, zombies are like some metastatic cancer, they proliferate out of nowhere. And try as you might, there can be no remission, no resolution or forward progress until you stop the proliferating zombie issues and that is harder than it should be, in my opinion...


Again...still.


Fuck.



HAHA! Yep, this describes my current feelings about personal growth!

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