I Don't Think, I Know...

That comma makes a world of difference...

I don’t think, I know

I don’t think I know.

One is definitive and arrogant, the other honest and admitting.

And I have been both. And I suppose I always will.

It is funny though the first one where I admit in the not thinking, and just knowing.  How many times have I been there?  I am so sure that I know something but that knowledge is completely without thought or examination...and while this feels more like me when I was younger, I know it isn’t gone.

These days I feel like I related more to the “I don’t think I know...” assembly of those words.  I am not sure I know very much at all these days.  I am so unsure of what I think and even less sure of what I know.  I think a lot of things, I know a few things.  And the two are inextricably linked and confound each other often.

I am still struggling with the plastic surgery decision...I want it and I want to do it, but I can’t seem to get all of me onboard.  There is a person inside me that thinks the whole thing is ridiculous and I just should love myself as I am and stop all the bullshit of thinking that I should pay good money to alter God’s canvas.

Then there is the other, larger part of me that just wants to be happy in this body that I have been at war with for the whole of my life.

I didn’t know I was entering into this struggle.  I thought I was just doing what I have seen so many of my friends do...but here I am struggling quite a bit.

And the oddest part of the whole thing is that I am not thinking or worrying about what you all think.  I really don’t care.  I don’t care about what future lovers think or feel, or past ones, or ex-husbands or women who don’t like me, or men that don’t like me, or whatever.  I am not even worried about that at all.  The only people I have been concerned about other than me are my mom, God and me.

My mom because I don’t want to let her down and this is not something that she would ever do.  And I feel acutely selfish about the whole thing when I view it from her perspective...

God because I feel like I have been given this amazing life, body, mind and spirit and I feel like carving up my body kinda flies in the face of God’s will for me, but I just don’t know.

And me, what if I hate the results?  What if I am so unhappy.  What if I die on the table?  What if, what if, what if...

What if I don’t think I know?

What if I don’t think, I know?

F U C K!

So I am going to do the only thing I know to do...

Get quiet

Ask God for guidance 

And trust that when I do this I am always led to a better version of me...

Again, still...