It's Me. Hi. I am the Problem...It's Me.
I have a toothache. Went to the dentist, they had no idea. I took that to mean that it was all good and would be fine in a couple of days. I then convinced myself that what I really had was a sinus infection and the pressure from that was causing my jaw to hurt, and this one tooth, due to my invisaline.
So I didn’t call the endodontist right away. And now I am paying for it.
I just so desperately wanted there to be nothing wrong. Like I really needed there to be nothing wrong...
I have a mild, and somewhat pathological fear of dentists. Not of them as people but what they do in their profession. I FUCKING HATE HAVING MY MOUTH MESSED WITH!
Even for a standard cleaning I am kind of a bitch if I am not careful. Just having to go puts me in a really bad mood.
So I have to really work hard to keep myself spiritually centered and balanced.
I was up in the middle of the night with the pain and am now tired and feel ill equipped to deal with my day today. But I hate canceling things so I am still unclear which is how this whole day is going to go. Back and forth between doing what I feel like is right and having that not sit well with some other part of me that holds onto completely contrary beliefs.
What strikes me most about this self imposed crisis I created is that I ended up here because I was trying to avoid being here in the first place and now I am here, suffering over the weekend when that might have been avoided.
So much for me and all my good ideas!
I really thought I had it all figured out...and I can see now that I was totally off base. What I was really doing was creating “facts” out of thin air to support my fear of anything dental related. That is what I accomplished here, the manufacture of emotional facts that lived in stark contrast to reality facts.
So I am up early on a Saturday with a whole host of fun things to do today and not feeling up to doing any of them. And because I am me, existing with a stubborn refusal to cancel anything because I do not want to, I don’t like letting people down and not doing what I said I would do, but now also am in a bad mood and don’t feel all that great.
And I don’t like any of it.
But it is important, at least for me, to see that really I created this whole shitshow. ME. I am the problem. I took action on Wednesday to take care of the problem, then my fear of a root canal was so great that I just talked myself into believing that something else entirely was going on which only postponed actual help in lieu of imaginary delusional thinking that landed me here.
Sometimes I really wonder about me. The lengths I will go to avoid feeling something not so great, but then coming up with a course of action that is sure to cause more pain in the long run. When will I ever learn that short term pain for long term gain is a much better goal?
Perhaps never if my life so far is a good predictor of my future behavior...
Anyway, I am going to try to go back to sleep for a little while and see what I can do with myself to not make my own suffering worse. Or to cause others to suffer because I am in pain. I do not tend to handle that all that well - I tend to kind of end up on the bitchy side of things and I am committing right now to not allowing my self imposed crisis to negatively impact the dog, the cats, my kid or anyone else.
I am the one who caused this whole situation...me, I am the problem.