Journeys of Faith
There are a lot of things that I do solely based on faith. I get in my car every day and I have faith that the brakes will work. I have faith that showing up for work will provide for my family. I have faith in my friends and family and in their love for me. I have faith that taking the high road, while very lonely at times, is the only road that ever leads to productive results and continued self esteem.
Some things are easy to have faith in. And then there are the areas I struggle. Romantic love is probably the area that is the most difficult for me. I am pretty fear based here and have behaved that way to my own and others detriment for, well, a lifetime. I have moved up for sure in my faith but still can circle this particular drain with the slightest provocation. Faith is harder when you desperately really want something...and it seems that every step you take leads you further from that which you desire.
Tomorrow I leave on a new faith based journey. This one involving my son. This one asking more from me than I have ever thought possible. I am scared. I am worried. And I am hopeful. Having reached the end of a line with him on so very many levels.
I realized when I was on vacation that I have been acting as if I was his Higher Power. As if I, as his mother, was somehow more responsible or like I had some divinity that I could shed his way. What I realized was that he has his own Higher Power, and it is not me. I have been selected (and I often really doubt why I was the one selected - seems like I was kind of the worst choice on the planet) to be his mom. And when he was younger, I reigned supreme. I managed, controlled and was in charge of his best interest. And for a couple more years, I could have held onto that particular delusion.
But he was never mine. I have just been entrusted with his care, his spirit remains and always belonged to him.
Tomorrow we leave on a grand adventure. One where I hope and pray that he will get introduced, perhaps for the first time, to who he really is, how he really shows up in this world and I pray with all that is holy that he might be able to see a different path towards a new him that is secured in faith instead of so much fear.
I love my son with all that I am. But we have reached a crossroad where I can see that the way we were living was killing us both. He needing things from me that I simply do not have to give. It is a hard day as a parent when you realize that you cannot provide to your child what they desperately need. You must turn them over to others, who do in fact have what you so glaringly lack.
Please pray for him in these coming weeks. And if prayer isn’t your thing, can you hold a good thought? I would be forever grateful. Because even as I take the step off the cliff fairly certain that the spirit of the universe or hand of God, or whatever it is that courses through my veins, will catch us both, I am doing what I am about to do with complete faith being somewhat edged out by fear. He is my son. I love him. I want only the best for him and while I have tried to provide that to him, for him...I have to own that I have failed. Sometimes miserably. And the fear creeps in because I am so very terrified that this next step, this next journey could be another one of my many missteps.
Clearly I don’t believe that or we wouldn’t be going. He would remain in his room gaming himself into nothingness. Sustaining his life on sugar and caffeine while he not so silently destroys the love that exists all around him. We have reached critical mass over here and I have to let go...again.
I will also ask that anyone who can pray for me. I too am afraid and out of my depths. I am walking forward on faith, and not a whole lot else. So pray or hold a good thought or whatever you believe you can do to increase the love vibration for us. I very much appreciate it.
I comfort myself with the knowledge that every step I have ever taken to this moment right now was based on faith whether I knew it at the time or not. I move forward in faith and grace every single day of my life. And I am very grateful for that reality. This isn’t a gross departure from my every day life, just a new journey down a road that I didn’t see was an option. I pray that I am worthy of the task at hand and that I can walk with love into the service I am about to embark. And it has to be worth all the effort, because when it comes to our children, is there really anything that we wouldn’t do? I would walk through fire for him and right now, it kind of feels like that...
I guess in the final analysis, we are all walking through every day on faith and not much else. We have faith that a new day will dawn, that things will change, that they will stay the same. That we will be given all we need if we are steadfast and earnest. That the sun will rise in the East and set daily in the West.
So as we board the plane tomorrow headed north into the wilds of Alaska, I will let each footfall echo the faith I have and love I give. I will allow faith to be my continual guide down the very messy and debris filled path that is parenting. I will show up, do my best and love with all that I am. And I will pray a very silent prayer that it will be enough to save the soul of my son. And in so doing, turn him over yet again to the benevolence that gave us all a life.