Two Ubers, a bus ride and a lot of convincing is what it took to get him to sober living. He is there. I am so relieved.
It is so painful to not be able to engage with him. To be pushed, quiet literally, to the side. He is still texting me but it is only for me to buy him things. He has no idea how damaged our relationship is or that I am serious this time about not allowing him back into my life given how awful his treatment of me has been.
I know the only relationship he is capable of having with me, is the one we were just having, and I can’t do that anymore.
I pray he gets sober and works the steps and finds a God he can do business with...I pray that he is able to stop being a victim long enough to see that the worst things in his life are his ideas about himself and his life. I hope he can see that he is literally surrounded with love. Always has been.
I hope that he finds love for me again. That he stops seeing me just as a dollar sign. That everything I have done and said was in an effort to save him...from himself. I don’t want to turn him into someone else, I have just been trying to keep him alive long enough so that he can find out who he is when he is not high, pretending to be some sort of rapper thug. He is like the whitest kid ever, and so the rapper thug thing would have been funny, except it wasn’t. Living with a wanna be Schoolboy Q or Jay Rock isn’t much fun...even though the irony almost killed me.
I am grateful he is waking up sober and safe in Austin today. I am grateful he went and for the chance. I am grateful for the people who work with addicts and alcoholics...we are a tough population and heartbreaking in our inability to do life. So much potential we wash down the drain in a swirling vortex of drugs, sex, booze and annihilistic fervor.
But he is there. So he has a chance. This may be one in a million or it could be his last, that is the thing, we never know. I am praying for a miracle to take hold and for him to break down, let go and open up. But I am also not holding my breath. He is in God’s hands now...I guess that has been true all along.
I am sending him love, support and all the good vibes that he stop dying on the installment plan and can wake up and see what he is doing to himself and his family. I pray that something new and healing happens for him. That he can set aside all he thinks he knows and have a new experience with himself.
It is painful to watch from the sidelines. But that is the safest place for me right now. I can still see the field but I am in no danger of getting pulled in to the fray, and not likely to get blindsided sitting in my chair as a spectator...I pray healing continues for both of us. And I pray that someday he can feel the love I feel for him...until then I pray he takes this opportunity to listen and save himself before it is too late.
