(Ok, I kind of miss the days being numbered...wait, maybe I shouldn't...)
I have been sitting with my own dysfunction lately and I have to say, it is pretty fucking fascinating. From my own behavior, I am not sure what the hell I am going to do next! And it is such a relief...I feel somehow unbound from addictive cycles and compulsive drains on my time, energy and lifeblood.
I can see, that even in my current dysfunctional state, a couple of things:
1. This current dysfunction is way better than other dysfunctions I have lived through and survived...hell, even thrived.
2. I am getting better. I may have to look really, really hard, but I see daylight where there was only darkness before...
3. I do not feel like I am the dysfunction...it is just a part of who I am, not the whole of my being. I am somewhat dysfunctional which also means that I am somewhat functional.
4. I am improving. I stay with the pain less and less and buy my own delusions for way less time than before.
5. Mitigating my own suffering is actually liberating.
6. When I feel better about me, I feel better about all of you.
7. Life is sometimes wide open, and sometimes the path gets very narrow...it is all still just life and it is always going to be like this so I might as well enjoy the view regardless of whether I decide I like it or not...
8. Asking for what you want and need sometimes pays off in a most unexpectedly amazing way.
9. Risk is the reward...sometimes.
10. I can see that my lack of ability to be honest and tell the truth about myself, for myself has been the number one reason I have suffered. I can see that I lived for a long time under a delusion that I could lie to you, and fool me. Crazy, I know but true.
I am getting better and that is amazing. I am so very grateful for the pain and the growth and all of my teachers. I have nothing but love for every single one of them today. And I am leaning in hard on loving kindness to guide me through whatever the hell I am living through right now. I am having a lot of those “OMG! I SEE IT! I FUCKING SEE IT NOW!” Maybe I can’t change it today, but I know that seeing it is the first step in change...
May we all get better and improve together. Seems like the shitshow of 2020 is as good as place as any to start a new aspiration - be present for me. Witness me. Love me. Seems like that is the only prayer I have to ever love you...begin loving all the messy, complicated and fucked up parts of myself and then yours seem much easier to digest.
"The ability to be a true friend to oneself, to love and respect oneself, to offer heartfelt wishes for one’s own safety, health, happiness and peace, will determine the authenticity and ease with which we offer [lovingkindness] to others." Beth Roth
