Well, we all hang in the balance right now. No decision and a lengthy and trying time ahead for everyone. That could be this year’s motto. It seems to me that the universe is continually giving us more middle ground. A place where nothing is certain except uncertainty. The things that we have taken as routine, are anything but. We have been forced to live life differently...all of us, together. Our world becoming so polarized on so many different levels, that it seems that we keep losing common ground. However, no one knows what is going to happen next and this seems to be the state of the world, not just here.
I am oddly calm this morning. I woke before my alarm which is not unusual. I laid in the dark, wondering what the day would bring. I enjoyed the minutes of quiet and the not knowing. Feeling equally unsure of either result. I stayed in that middle place for awhile, not wanting to know anything definitive. I lasted about 30 minutes.
It struck me that that was all I could take. Why? Was it because I knew as soon as I began to write that I would be inundated with news regardless of whether I sought it out? So knowing was a foregone conclusion? Or was it because I knew that I could know, so I might as well know? Why could I not stay in the middle between knowing and not knowing longer? Thirty minutes not long to sit with ambiguity...
But I should have known that this year would leave me in this decision-less middle place even when I took the steps to know. Likely none of us will know anything for weeks, or months.
Of course he declared himself the winner and said that counting more votes is fraud. This is who he is. A manipulative con man whose cover is about to be blown. I would put nothing past him now...he has everything to lose and everything to gain. This thought makes me brace for what is to come.
I hope that the uncertainty provides some stability in our city streets. Nothing to riot about right now. Nothing is clear. I was so disheartened to see my daughters Tiki’s Tok video last night...it was sad in its accuracy: She had a picture of Trump winning then riots, then a picture of Biden winning then riots. Seems pretty sadly accurate. And this from a kid who has solidly refused to take a side and says that she doesn’t like either of them.
I am, as usual, looking for the lesson in the uncertainty and ambiguity. Everything about me wants to have it all locked down. But everything in my world tells me that nothing is certain except uncertainty. I might as well learn to get comfortable with it.
I keep thinking of Krishnamurti - when asked how he could stay so balance and serene in the face of life, he said, “simple, I do not mind what happens.” I have never forgotten this. My first impression was “How can anyone say that???” Followed up with a “That is impossible!” But I am getting a lot of practice this year in seeing that allowing myself to be whipped into a frenzy over the ever changing landscape of my life does nothing to make my life better, only more difficult and challenging.
So I will go into my day trying not to mind what is happening. Allowing for this nebulous middle ground where nothing is certain or decided. It is here anyway, so I might as well just accept it and trust that it is here to teach me something I need to know.
When I view what is happening as a lesson I need, my life goes better and feels more balanced. It is just a feeling...that I can learn to not mind so much. What I have learned this year in particular is that, no matter how much I want something or someone, I really have very little control about any of it. Oh, I like to tell myself fancy stories designed to make me feel safe. But in the end, they are only stories and life unfolds on its own timetable and without a script. I can write all damn day but I can never really find a way to get my script sold to the masses with agreement and assent.
So I will seek middle ground on this November 4th. I will see that what is happening is just happening and I can do my best not to mind it. I can acknowledge my issues of fear and move forward into my day trusting that there is a plan and while I may not know it or like it, there is one because there always is one.
Today, I will embrace the uncertainty that really is the foundation of life. None of us, not even Trump, knows what will happen next. And that is really the only thing I can be sure about: change will happen, I can like it or hate it, but it will come regardless. Middle ground gives me a place to live my life not tossed about by the extremes. Today, middle ground, is a fine place to live, love and enjoy the life I have right now.