I have had the same morning routine for years. Decades really.
Coffee
Write
Meditate
Yoga
Walk
Gym
Every day. It is how I start my day. And then there are times, when much like a spoiled child on another child’s birthday, I just decide I don’t want to. Sometimes it is due to some event, or thing that would make me have to get up at 3 am to get all of that done before I have to attend to whatever it is that I need to attend to. But regardless of the worthiness of the reason, I just abandon the routine wholesale and then I have nothing. And I free float through my life. Unpinned to a morning schedule or routine. I drift rather aimlessly through my life with this constant nagging feeling that something is missing. Something isn’t right.
And I am always the reason that I skip it. I am always the one who allows myself to become preoccupied with something else. I am the one that allows the drift to occur and then take over.
I have done this so many times over the years that I have come to think that this is just the way it is. My life is punctuated with times of daily discipline and regime, and then just like that for some reason or no reason at all, I just stop doing it. And that seems to be some other undercurrent routine that I do not completely understand.
I seem to need the stability of a daily routine, but I also seem to need the chaos of no routine and the abandonment of all that makes me feel safe, secure and grounded. It is like I interrupt myself...constantly and consistently. And I do not know why.
Yesterday I began the life long routine again and it felt so good. So good to spend the time investing in the spiritual aspects of my existence. It was lovely. And made me feel grounded and present in a way and manner that I have not in a long time.
I did one day and now today I wake up and struggle to do what came so easily for me yesterday. Why?
I think there are just two of me. Two very disparate and divergent Erins. One is disciplined, serious, logical, analytical and hard driving. The other one is haphazard, carefree, untethered, fun and fun loving. And these two versions of me have been in constant conflict for as long as I can remember.
I think I expected as I aged the more logical and practical one would win out. I thought that I would pick her over the other, but as fate would have it, I find that more unpredictable, carefree version of me is holding her own. She makes no indication that she plans on taking any kind of backdrop role. She is empowered and loud and taking charge whenever she can.
So I find myself in this place where a bit of soul talking must take place between these two very different parts of myself. The routine, while appealing much more to the more serious side of me, also benefits the carefree, independent, fun loving person too. It is good to take the time to sit with myself, quietly in the morning and allow me to wholly participate in my own life. In fact, this morning routine may be the only time in my day or life that I actually do.
So today, whether both parts of me want to or not, I will hand myself over to the new old routine and allow myself to languish in the morning light. Incense burning, sitting quietly in this very busy, very full life of mine. Supported and grown into this current version of myself by this new old routine that never leaves but is set aside often in pursuit of other things.
So I begin again this new day, tethered to all that works for me by this old trusted morning routine that supports my growth, serenity and life. Again. Still.
