Politeness Murders Truth...

I heard this at a conference yesterday.    And it was one of those things that I instantly knew that I already knew, but had done quite a bit of work to keep it from ever landing as conscious.

I was raised to be polite.  Kind.  I grew up in the military and you observed the rank and file.  You stayed in your lane and you did your best to respect your elders, not embarrass your parents and keep your shit together.  It was all a facade.  I know that now, but when I was growing up, appearing ok felt like my life’s mission.

And I learned to hide a lot of truth behind the guise of politeness.

I can’t tell you how many times I have lied because to tell the truth felt mean or wrong or, most certainly, impolite.  And I was taught NOT to be impolite.  So I have pulled truths from ever being uttered because I did not want to offend.  It rarely, if ever, occurred to me that I might be able to tell a truth, allowing politeness to die an inevitable death, while not being rude.  It has only been in recent years where I thought that perhaps there was a place in between polite lies and brutal truths.

I do believe, at least in my case, that my stern commitment to be polite has grossly and egregiously interfered with my ability to tell the truth.  I have historically picked telling you a lie that would spare your feelings, rather than speaking what I think would be more honest, in favor of sparing your feelings and my very strong desire to not hurt others.  Dishonest?  Yes.  Well intentioned?  Most of the time.

The hard fact is that I have historically been conflict averse.  I know, I am an attorney!  But most attorneys I know are not good at conflict.  We only like conflict when confined to the very narrowly tailored rules of legal engagement.  There are rules galore, judges, juries and the like.  Bailiffs, courtroom clerks and police officers all there to ensure that EVERYONE follow the rules.  It is engaged combat but with well defined parameters of engagement.

Conflict in interpersonal relationships is more like a street fight.  Anything goes, there are no rules and there is nothing that is considered out of bounds.  There are things that are considered below the belt, but that doesn’t mean they won’t happen and often do.

So I can see how this adversity to conflict coupled with my intense and life long commitment to being polite has really fucked up my ability to be honest about the things that matter most.  The more tenuous the relationship, the more likely I am to lie.  Which I guess is good...because the more intimate you are to me, the more likely I am to speak truth over politeness.  But since the deceit and unwillingness to invite you into the truth circle prevail in the beginning, the less likely we are to develop past anything other than superficial and temporal.

Today I find myself thinking about how I can make this middle path between lying and truth better by developing a comfort with being a little less polite and a little more honest.  I do not want to become someone who is brutal with their honesty or so polite that you never know where I stand or what I think...there has to be a middle ground and it has to be easier to walk than I have feared in the past.

I am willing to move towards that today.  I see how my efforts to be polite have absolutely decimated my true desire to be authentic, real and honest.  As usual, I will probably swing too far over to the other side before I come to rest somewhere in the middle.  So forgive me in advance if I say something in the spirit of truth that offends, please know I am really working more on being honest and less on being polite.  I hope that my long standing track record of being nice and polite will hold me in good stead until I find some sort of balancing point between the two.

Know that I am always trying to improve on the person I am and to own the place I find myself and the person I am today, in real time.  It isn’t easy and there are many, many days that I would rather hide with a polite lie than an honest truth.  It is a hard turnabout to allow politeness to take a back seat to truth telling. And I know I am going to ruffle some feathers along the way!

Again...still.