Praying...

Some days I just wake up praying.  Mostly for others, sometimes for myself.  I feel like my sleeping life has a mind of its own and I am totally not in control of what happens there...I am just along for the ride.

I woke today, after a weird dream (more on that later), and when I finally became totally conscious, I realized I was praying.  Not for me, but for others.  I woke with this stream of thoughts about others:  my college roommate who has been working her ass off for the last year to survive stage 4 cancer (she is in Greece now with her husband and they are on my list daily), my kids (always), my mom (always), my pets (always).  But today there were a few others.  One, that was quite surprising.  One that has been hard to deal with and has brought a lot of hardship to my life and the lives of others.  But I woke up praying for them just the same...

I have always prayed.  Mostly, in my younger years, I prayed to get things I wanted and to avoid things I did not.  And I prayed a lot of the time for God to relieve me from the bondage of a hangover...very grateful I haven’t needed to do THAT in a very long time.  I do not miss hangovers.  Not one single bit!

But my prayer life has increased over time.  My prayers, I think, have elevated.  Become more about being a person in the world instead of praying for certain things and outcomes I would prefer.  Today, most of the time, I pray for guidance, I pray for the ability to handle hard things with grace, I pray that I will be given the ability to proceed with love and tolerance and that I will not be an asshole.

Today, mostly I pray for others.  Right now I am praying for my cat to stop clawing at the window for no apparent reason...he has been going at it for four minutes now.  Which is a very long time if you are watching him accomplish nothing except make an annoying noise.  Well, I thought he was done, but nope he was just taking a little breather...I have no idea what goes through his little weirdo mind, but today he is sure that scratching at glass is a great idea.  Pray for him, please.

I think I mostly pray today for knowledge of God’s will for me AND the power to carry that out.  For a long time, this prayer confused me.  I really prayed like this, “God, hey, what’s up?  It’s Erin. Yes, again!  HI!  Anyway, I have some great ideas about my life, and I would love it if you would get onboard with that...thanks!  Talk soon, or rather the next time I need you to get with my program...”

Yep, not pretty but this is actually how I talked to God.  Like he was on my payroll and I was just letting him know what the collective WE decided was gonna go down.  Totally embarrassing.

But somewhere along the line, things changed.  And I started actually just praying to know what God wanted from me.  How could I be of service?  What was needed from me?  Where could I help?  I wanted to know what I needed to do, where I needed to show up and what I needed to bring with me in order to better serve God and others.

That is when I really started praying for the power to carry that out.  Turns out, God actually needed me to show up in this life of mine.  Turns out I have important roles in the lives of others, and just being a citizen among citizens.  Turns out, while I am not the most important person on the planet, I do serve a function (several actually) and my job, what God needs from me is just to show up and do the next indicated thing...

So that is what I endeavor to do.  Just see what I think God needs from me and then do that to the best of my ability.  Every. Single. Day.

And so I try.  I really do. I try to get out of my own way and just show up in life and do what is asked of me.  And pray that I am able to do right and good more often than I am consumed with thoughts of self. It is a toss up to be sure.

Now before you start rolling your eyes or thinking I am giving off “Holier than Thou” vibes, I still pray to win the lottery every single day.  I am not THAT evolved that I have completely stopped praying for selfish things.  I do and likely always will.  But I do not get mad any longer when I do not win every single fucking time.  I used to.  In fact, it was my biggest complaint about God working in my life...the whole, “why the fuck can’t I be a lucky winner???”  Today, I think I know the answer.  God does not trust me with millions of dollars at my disposal.  And, upon reflection, that is probably legit.  I want to think I would do good with it.  But we all know that I would have a whole new wardrobe and a ranch with a million fucking cats.  I am not sure why God doesn’t want this for me, but the signs are pretty clear, he, alas, does not...

Anyway, my prayer life has evolved.  I will never be sainted and I am not trying, just look at my life!  But I am willing to show up and do what is asked of me and try not to be an asshole about it.  Really.

Today, I trust that I will be led through hard stuff and come out the other side, not always with what I want or is particularly fun, but I am always ok, cared for, fed and housed.  And I am so very grateful for that.  And how I KNOW I am actually grateful is that some days I wake up praying...for others.  And that feels like spiritual progress, so I am going to keep going!

And another strong indicator that my life is going well, in spite of all evidence to the contrary, I get text messages like this when I wake up from people who love me, care for me and show up for me. "Praying for you. Thinking about you."

And I can promise you 31 years ago the only thing people were praying for me was for me to go the fuck away, or get some help or really just leave them alone.

It has been a long time since I think that was the most common prayer for me from others. And that also feels like progress...

Again, still...