I woke up feeling defeated today. No particular reason. It is just a game my head likes to play with me...usually at 2 am. And that was the case today. I just woke up with this overwhelming feeling of wanting to quit. Pretty much everything.
Now this is just the way I felt at 2 am upon awakening. It is not reality and in truth, I really do not want to quit anything.
It was amazing to just lie in bed and watch my head spin...
My head:
Are you going to write today?
Me:
Yes I write every day, you know this.
My head:
Why do you bother? Wouldn’t it be easier if you just stopped?
Me:
But it helps me and sometimes others.
My head:
Yes, but think of all the hours you would have back in your life if you just stopped doing it.
Me:
I don’t know most of the time what to do with the hours I currently am not using all that wisely.
My head:
I think you should just quit.
Me:
That is nice. Thanks for sharing. We won’t be quitting.
And that is just how it goes for me sometimes. This debate with myself about myself. What I should do, what I shouldn’t. It is exhausting.
But I have developed a different perspective on it. I just try to remain open and curious about why I am thinking what I am thinking without buying into the storyline all that much.
I say things to myself, like:
“Isn’t that interesting...no, we aren’t going to do _____”
“Wow, that is a really fucked up thought, let’s not do that.”
“What the fuck is wrong with you?”
Then I usually laugh and just get on with it.
So my solutions to quitting is to indulge the thoughts so that I can get on with finding out what the feelings are underneath the thoughts. What is driving this? What is going on with me? Why am I feeling the way that I am feeling?
The biggest asset I have developed over time is this ability to honestly inventory me. To take stock of what the hell is going on inside me and then look at it as objectively as I can. It isn’t easy. It is hard. It is painful. But it sure the hell beats the way I used to just go through life, believing everything I thought, accepting all of my feelings as facts and then acting like I knew what the fuck I was doing.
Today I woke up feeling defeated. That is all. I am not really defeated. Look at me here writing away while my head started off the day telling me that I should never write again. Fuck me and my head!
I have learned to just get on with it. To just do the next thing on my schedule and not mind all the chatter that my mind throws all over the place. It is kind of like a parent walking around outside in the yard with a toddler who won’t stop asking questions and talking. The parent is present, kind and loving but not really buying into all the toddler says. Which is good because if the parent did, the parent would have to have a millions answers to basically the same question and would be forced to run out and buy a pony, a dump truck or a hot air balloon. (I know random, but these are all things my kids asked for when they were little).
I feel like I have this parent/child relationship in my mind. There is a wise and benevolent part of me that is really patient loving and kind. But then there is this toddler that just wants what she wants when she wants it. And the good news is that the toddler used to completely run the show. And boy did that lead to some fucked up shit going down.
But today, the parent is much more in charge of what we do and is capable of setting limits and boundaries which make both the parent and child in me feel safer.
So I am not quitting anything today. I am just going to go about my day, ignoring all the shade my head throws my way. Because I really am grateful for the life I have, all of it, even the painful parts. And to quit would be such an insult to all I have been given. And I have learned to not look a gift horse in the mouth...because all horses will bite you if they get a chance!
