Red Carpet Walks...

I have lived near Los Angeles for years.  And I have avoided it for the most part.  I am more of a country mouse, than a city one.  I like the peace of nature, open fields, mountains, and a dearth of people.  But every once in awhile it is fun to go to the big city and participate in, well, the whole Hollywood thing, whatever the fuck the Hollywood thing is.

A friend invited me to a play being performed as a benefit to the Michael J. Fox Foundation.  Another friend was down to go with me and even invited me to stay at his place in LA for the evening so I didn’t have to drive back to Ojai late. The last time I drove back from LA late in the evening, we almost hit a fucking mountain lion for fuck’s sake!  Apparently mountain lions and I both get confused sometimes as to where we belong.  Clearly, a mountain lion does NOT belong on the 101 freeway.  And I do NOT belong in LA.

But despite my confirmed country mouse status, I had a good time last night.  It was fun to watch all the people.  And I have never seen a red carpet before, well, except on TV.  And I got to walk it and people took my photo and asked me questions.  I mean they didn’t cat call me like they do famous people, but I got a watered down version of the whole experience.  In short, I was not a fan.  And I shudder to think of what those photos look like and what the fuck I even said. 

Regardless of what the copy produces, I had a lovely evening.  The play was well attended, funds were raised, and I met some new people.  And while that was fun, it was also kind of heartbreaking.  I talked to no less than three women who all complained that their careers as writers in Hollywood were over due to age.  I literally talked to three women and they all volunteered the same thing.  I left feeling grateful that I live a life that no one really gives a shit that I am 56.  And I am grateful my ability to live a decent life is not dependent on my looks and numerical age.

To be fair, I also talked to a couple of men who complained about their age.  They did not, of course, associate their aging with a career tanking however.  Just the women.  And I have no idea whether the women I met were lost to their careers because of age, or something else.  As with most things, I suspect it is due to co-arising causes and conditions.  We all know the brutality of Hollywood.  It struck me last night how very much the machine just keeps feeding itself.  Millions and millions of dollars spent to ensure that your looks are the last thing to go...Somehow we have created this whole industry that is founded on botox, plastic surgery and semiglutides.  Sometimes I really wonder what the fuck the aliens think about us, I mean, they have to be shaking their heads, right?  I mean, I am and I am not even really an alien.  I just feel that way a great deal of the time...

Anyway, I, oddly, did not feel like an alien last night.  I didn’t feel uncomfortable in my skin, or my outfit.  I didn’t want to “meet” anyone.  I was not starstruck.  I didn’t want to be anyone else.  I was just happy to be there, supporting the actors and a very good cause.  I was grateful to my friends and just had a great time doing something different.

I love my life of experiences and I am so very grateful that I got this experience at the age I am now.  Where I know who I am and who I am not.  I am sure if I would have had the opportunity to attend a red carpet type event when I was younger, I would have behaved worse and I would have felt insignificant (not the type of insignificant that nature makes me feel, instead the kind of insignificant I used to feel from the moment I woke up until I passed out) and insecure.  But last night I didn’t.  I didn’t want to be someone else.  I was just a person among other people in a city I do not know well. It was novel and fun.

I will likely never walk a red carpet again, unless it is in my friend’s Allyson’s living room, where, if I am honest, it was a pink carpet and I didn’t even walk it there, in the privacy of her home because I felt so out of place and uncomfortable.  I think this is why I like writing so much.  I do it from behind the scenes.  There is a very safe barrier between me and all of you.  There are the words, but then there is this filter of cyberspace between us.  Being a life long struggler with intimacy and authenticity, writing and posting feels way safer than having to put yourself out there in the flesh. So I also left with a great respect and gratitude for all of those people who do put it all out there for the rest of us. Hats off to you my intrepid fellow travelers!

But last night I had a good time. And I think I can claim a little growth. Once upon a time, I would have felt so out of my element, and that would have engendered in me a desire to make it my element.  Last night, I knew it was not my element and never likely will be, and that was just fine.  Instead of feeling like I had to alter myself to fit my environment, I just showed up as me and let the experience unfold.  I enjoyed the play and acting immensely and got to have some new experiences that stretched my mind and comfort zone.

Perhaps red carpets are designed for that.  Perhaps every person who ever walks one is asked one gigantic question, “exactly how do you fit in here?”  And for me, my resounding response was “I don’t fit in here at fucking all.”  But that was ok.  I didn’t want to fit in and in fact, I didn’t want to be anyone else and that was a marker of growth and evolution for me.  Last night I didn’t want what I didn’t have.  And instead, the whole experience underscored just how very much I love the life I have, the person I am and the opportunities afforded to me.

The play closes on Sunday.  8 pm curtain call.  El Portal theater, Los Angeles.  All proceeds go to benefit the Michael J. Fox Foundation.  I highly recommend the whole experience.  Sometimes the country mouse walks a red carpet and confirms, one more time, that she is just a country mouse, that sometimes is lucky enough to be a part of something bigger than herself while she loves herself for who she is.  It is a great experience indeed when you have the chance to compare and despair, and you don’t do either...

Fuck, really?

Yes, again, still...