Remember When Dating Was Fun?

Yeah, me neither...

Haha, just kidding.  I do remember...how many years ago was that?  I think I have to count in decades...

Is it me?  Have I become less fun?  Are my expectations too high?  Too low?  Am I just too tired to even try anymore?

I am having such a hard time coming up with the point of it all now.  I mean, it just feels like a lot of work, with very little payoff.  Or fun.  Or anything.

So I was sitting on my couch last night pondering my existence...

Writing

Meditation

Animals

Chores

Gym

Walk

Dinner with Mom

Date with Netflix, again

And I was so fucking bored.  I wanted to go out dancing, or bar hopping, or SOMETHING other than sitting on my couch, flattened into a cat mattress but there was nowhere to go and nothing to do...so there I sat.

It didn’t help my mood that my 19 year daughter asked me about fun things to do yesterday afternoon and I just came up blank.  Like there is a whole entire world out there and she asked me for some suggestions and I just stared off into space.  I finally came up with like 4 things:  roller skating, movie, arcade, bowling.  And that took me the better part of an hour.  Oh, actually the Botanical Gardens in Ventura.  I once went on a really awesome date there, first date that was totally fun and ended with even more fun.  But I think that was more about the dude than the gardens...

Perhaps I landed on why I ambored right now...I have no imagination.  I just can’t think of anything new and exciting.  And I want to blame it on the lack of other stimulation.  It is kind of a hard task to be constantly and consummately having to come up with all the ideas.  It is like trying to plan dinner for your entire life, then one day, nothing sounds good and you decide you hate food.  And you just do not want to ever have to think or cook or eat dinner again.  This is my mom and I’s life every Monday.  She comes over and I try to have something planned, often we eat Trader Joe’s shit out of the freezer.  Not really killing the whole “cook for mom” thing...

This is how I feel about the concept of dating now.  I feel like it has been way too much up to me for so very long that I am decision fatigued and I just land on the couch and this is where I shall be until I die.  Surrounded by cats and the itinerant daughter who comes and goes and seems to have stuff going on.

I found myself thinking on trying online dating again, but then I immediately wanted to hurt myself.  I just can’t jump on that rollercoaster again.  So much promise, and so much disappointment.  So I took a bath and listened to a book and then went to bed.

I guess for dating to even get close to being fun, you have to actually date, which requires other people and plans, and going out and getting dressed and leaving your couch.

Sometimes life is boring and that is ok.  I am not sure what dating is anymore but fun isn’t it.  I really don’t know anyone who is dating that says, “oh man!  Dating, so much fucking fun!”  Instead, what I hear is:

“It sucks”

“I am not doing it”

“So many options, so little substance”

“I. Just. Can’t. Anymore.”

So I persist to languish on the couch, me and Netflix...not Netflix and chilling to be clear.  Although that would be so nice...someone other than a cat to cuddle me.

Maybe I am not fun anymore, maybe all the trial and failure has just bled it out of me...

I am gonna have to get back to you...

Again, still...