Fuck have I done this a lot. I mean, a lot, a lot. Like forever. Mostly stupid risks that weren’t worth the risk involved. Over and over again. I have been decidedly stupid about many of the risks I have engaged, but there are some that I would do again even if I knew how they would end at the beginning.
For me, it is what lies beneath the risk taking behavior that seems to matter most. My most dangerous risks, have always been the one where I wasn’t really able to predict with any certainty the outcome. That is was really a blind leap of faith.
Those are:
Not marrying my first fiancé
Getting sober
Starting my own law firm with no experience or contacts or really idea what the fuck I was doing
Getting married
Having kids
Getting divorced
Moving back to CA
Loving
Leaving my last two jobs (one long term, the other not so much).
Staring my own coaching practice
These are the ones that I would do again, even though some of them didn’t really end all that well. And some of them, remain in their constant state of flux which will likely never be any different.
I am in the thick of the risk taking behavior again. I quit my job yesterday. Yes, the one I just started. I gave up security for happiness again. Sometimes, when I look as objectively as I can at my own behavior, I wonder about me. Like really! What the fuck am I thinking?
But here I am again, taking another huge leap of faith with everything to lose and gain. And I seem to always get both, the loss and the gain. Each time, like completely. And I am so much the better for it.
Today marks the first day of my self employment. Something that I have done many times, but not with kids, a mortgage, car payments, and shit like that. I did it when I was younger or married which each provided a different kind of safety net. But here I am at 52, starting over, again. And it feels different familiar. Good adjacent perhaps.
It is a hopeful beginning, that will take many twists and turns over its course, whether that course lasts five minutes, or fifty years. I mean I would be fucking old to still be coaching at 102 but hey, stranger things have happened in this world and seem to continue to get weirder and weirder all the time.
I am also going to dedicate some time to the book I have been working on as well as several other writing projects. I am saying this out loud, so that one of you, someone can hold me accountable when three months have passed by and I haven’t done shit with this. Please call me, out, I need it.
I guess what all risk taking behavior has in common is that the future is uncertain and the taking is inherent in the leap of faith that you make. I have no idea how this will turn out. Whether I will be able to support myself, my kids, pets by solely my own efforts. But fuck if I am not going to try. And likely I will fail, and succeed, likely in the same damn day. Because that is what I know about risk taking behavior is that there is always a payoff, even when the payoff ultimately turns up not worth it. It is still a pay off, the only thing that is up in the air is whether the pay off will be able to pay for the life that I have and lead. Which isn’t wholly extravagant by comparison, but it isn’t frugal by any means either.
Life is a risky proposition. And I embrace that today. Nothing ventured nothing gained. My life has turned out pretty well for all the long shots I have taken. Showing me time and time again, that my trust is well placed and even well timed. I bring heart, and guts and metal and fun and love and mother fucking sunshine to all that I do, and sometimes that is enough of a foundation for a great life. And I know, because I have one.
Even with uncertainty, I am always going to bet on the unfavored horse because I am that fucking horse. I have always been a long shot. Always a risky proposition but I keep picking me and somehow it all works out ok in the end. And I have learned that it isn’t the risk that is risky. It is the intentionality that underscores the risk. I need always check my motives, and inventory for unbridled self destruction’s presence. And if I find it, I do best, when I call it out and pull its covers. Because even though I have been doing this sober, life affirming deal for twenty-seven magic years, it could and can all be gone in an instant. And I know that, which is what makes living on this uncertain edge of life, completely wonderful and ok. There is no other place I would want to be other than right here, right now. Loving the people who love me, spending my time the way that I am, investing in myself even when my faith and belief falters.
This tangled, misguided often, and messy life is the best I have ever known. And I am grateful to be given a new start, again, still.
