Romantic Rejection Era...

This very funny woman said this last night, and I immediately related.  I think she was talking about a few years for her, I immediately thought decades for myself.  And while I know she was talking about being rejected, I thought, in the intervening years I have done a lot of rejecting too.

I guess we are all in our romantic rejection era right up until the time we are not.  None of us knows if we will find that person, or when.  Life bumbles along dating and what have you, situationships come and go and we feel like the universe is out to get us.  We feel the sting of rejection when nothing we date ever materializes into more.

I am 20 years older than the woman who said this.  So I have about 20 years more experience of the Romantic Rejection Era.  This is NOT something I am bragging about.  I guess I mention that to demonstrate to her and others like her that you can live in this “era” for some time and be just fine!  There is life in spite of romantic drought and strife.  And I can attest it can be a great life. I am, afterall, somewhat of an unwitting posterchild for this movement.

I spent the evening thinking about this whole concept, knowing that I wanted to write about it today.  Knowing that in her sharing of the pain she was feeling in a funny way, I could relate.  What she was saying was immediately relatable.  I think I spent the last 30 years dating, finally getting married, leaving that marriage and then dating again to see that I am easily partnerable but I am the one that tends to leave.  Oh sure, sometimes they leave me, but I can see how things I did or said or didn’t do or didn’t say led us to the ultimate conclusion.  What is that saying...”Rejection is God’s protection!”  Yes, I feel that acutely.  It matters almost not at all which one of us did the leaving, although I still really prefer to be the one who leaves.  My tender, fragile ego seems to need that to survive.  Maybe that is part of my problem...something to consider for sure.

I guess what I see at 55 is that none of those past whatever the fuck they were worked out because they were not supposed to.  I have had a great deal of man created trauma in my life which has set me up for this weird dynamic where men, who have largely been this malevolent force in my life, have also become my greatest teachers.  It is like God is trying to get my attention in the ways I will pay attention best, and he knows, fuck, I love men, so...well, I think you can connect those dots and make a little more sense of my relational carnage.  If you can’t, well then just watch me...it will not take long to see the myriad of dysfunction!  HAHAHA!

And yes I do laugh at it today.  It is funny.  It is also heartbreaking which is how I just find living to be - this odd combination of hilarity and gut wrenching sadness.  I don’t know if everyone lives like this, but I sure as hell do!

I have had a great deal of love in my life, romantic and otherwise.  But I am not easy to remain with mostly because I do not stay put well.  And most of the time I have already left before you even know that was an option I was considering.  The truth?  I am considering it the entire time, every single day.  I think the early trauma caused me to over priortize freedom over safety and I have been out here chasing freedom to the disservice and demise of intimate, long lasting communion...well, for my entire life.

I know, I know, I AM working on it.  Ask my therapist!  We were talking the other day and I have been seeing her since December of 2017!  I was quite upset when she said I wasn’t her longest standing patient.  She said there was someone else that started to see her when they were a teen and have just kept coming.  I know it is wrong, but I kinda wanted to ask for his number!  Kidding!  No really I am.  But it is kinda hot that there is someone else out there on the planet living with the knowledge that they are lifers in the therapy department.  Kind of feels like we are kindred spirits if not meant for greater things.  Again, I am kidding...

What I thought about all evening is how much I wish this younger woman could see herself from my perspective.  She is in her prime.  Good career that she fell into, working on her passion project which is stand up comedy so you know she is brave as fuck.  It takes a lot of grit, determination and ability to withstand rejection to do stand up.  My hat is off to anyone who ever even gives it a try.  She has a good assessment of her deficiencies but I think she is missing how wonderful she really is.  She is beautiful, interesting, intelligent, sober and living her life.  She appears to have a great sense of humor, even about herself and her dating life which I can tell you from my own experience isn’t easy to do.  Very easy to get lost in the melancholy on that one.

I guess what I wanted to tell her about her “Romantic Rejection Era” is that she should enjoy it.  This is a great time in her life, she is free to do what she wants, when she wants.  In my experience, men have not really added all that much to my life that is positive.  They have taken a great deal, and added a lot of experience I really wish I didn’t have.  And I am NOT blaming men, no, I very clearly see and admit that it was my selection of them that was the issue, which is why I kinda stopped selecting them.  After my last horrible decision in the man department, I really did surrender, finally, my love life to God.  Fuck knows I just fucked it up repeatedly but I did learn a lot about what I want and what I don’t but mostly about who I am.  The good, the bad and the not so pretty.

So know that while it may feel like you are being rejected, it is really you being protected from being sidelined into some mediocre relationship that is going to stall you out and cause you to miss opportunities that are coming for ya!  And maybe you just need to be single to be agile enough to jump into the unknown when it comes.

For me, my Romantic Rejection Era, has been a great deal of fun pock marked with some really devastating heartbreak.  But you know what?  I wouldn’t change a fucking thing.  I would not side step one of my missteps along the way.  They have grown me into this person who today is more discerning and capable of making good choices in her life.  Today I am the one who is doing the rejecting, and know that perhaps there will be some guys out there where I will be just another icon in their Romantic Rejection Era extravaganza!

Today I believe it will work out if and when it is supposed to.  Until then, I am free to move about my life and my love life as I see fit. I can come and go or I can choose to remain.  It is really up to me.  And yes, of course, I may be rejected along the way.  Who cares!  At least I am having fun!  And I am growing in ways that apparently only heartbreak and loss can teach me.  I am not so afraid anymore and I have an abiding faith that it will all work out, if it is supposed to.

If my Romantic Rejection Era has taught me one thing, it is that I am ok no matter what and each time I loved and loss I grew in ways I needed to.  And today, I live a great life where I love me.  And that was not always the case, I think I thought for me to love me, I had to have someone else love me.  And that was so very wrong.  Oddly enough, it was the loss of the love of others that caused me to find a great deal of love, compassion, understanding and humor about myself.

Again, still.