Sausade Days...

Today is my parent’s 59th wedding anniversary, my son’s 21st birthday and the day after we lost Dolly Parton.  My emotions are so complex right now.

My dad isn’t here to celebrate with my mom and that breaks my heart.  My mom has to endure this first on her own, I mean, I will be there with her and for her today, but I am not him and it is not the same.

My son is 21 and this marks the last childhood milestone.  I know we are “adults” at 18 but I am 56 and barely consider myself adult...21, I think, marks the last vestiges of childhood, really.  I mean I have given being childish a very long run...but we all know that anything really after 21 is just immaturity...

Dolly was such a light in this world.  Born in poverty and need, she created, manifested abundance wherever she went.  She who started off with so little, gave us all so much.  We need her kind of light in the world and I feel the absence of her being, acutely.

So today I am sitting in bed crying, again, still.  Crying for the sadnesses I feel:

The loss of my dad

My mom’s solo journey forward

My mom’s pain and heartbreak today

My own

That my little boy is no longer little

That those days of mother/child are morphing into something else I have no experience with

My son isn’t here to celebrate with

How much sadness I feel at the loss of Dolly

How I feel the loss of her buoyancy and humor

The loss I feel that is shared by millions

And I also am crying in my bed because I am happy, joyful even:

I am so grateful for my parents’ time together

That my dad is no longer suffering

That my mom isn't wasting away her life caring for someone who cannot and will not recover

That I am here, close by and can be with her today

That my son is alive and thriving

That he is mostly happy

That he is sober

That our relationship is the best it has been in, well, possibly since he was 2

That we had all the years with Dolly that we did

That her legacy and music lives on

That we all are better for her life, laughter and giving

That she would not want us to be sad, she would, instead insist that we do something kind and loving to someone else that needs a hug or laugh

It is so weird to be filled with so many emotions.  I am not sure why Dolly’s death is hitting me so hard.  I cried at the gym yesterday (I know, I know, I do this all the time!)  Perhaps she is a lovingly safe repository for all the very mixed up feelings I am experiencing in my life today.

I guess today is really no different than any other day of my life.  I feel like every day I am alive and participating in my life, I am barely hanging onto all the absolutely wonderful things that are happening in my life while I am also grieving the losses which feel like they come out of left field and are unstoppable.

Perhaps this is what life is supposed to teach us, that no matter how well or long or completely we live this life, we are always being asked to lean into the pain, the loss, the heartbreak while simultaneously finding reasons to move forward, to embrace the good, to laugh, love and heal.  Life is never one thing only, instead I find it to be a constantly adjusting juxtaposition of pain and joy, love and dislikes, sorrow and elation.  And perhaps that is our lesson here, to live within the extremes and claim our rightful place.

All of the above mentioned people (my mom & dad, my son, Dolly) have brought me host of ever changing emotions, elations and sorrows.  And I guess, that is just how life is supposed to be...

Again, still...