Saying What I Think...

Ooooh, what a tricky one this is!

I have so very often said what I think, when if I would have read the room better, I would have realized it was time for politeness and social grace.  NOT the time to say what I really think...

This has happened a lot.

And then there are also those times, where an honest answer about how I feel or what I think is appropriate and I go for polite acquiesce instead of truth.

I am not sure I will ever get it right...like ever.

I have a very strong desire to be polite.  I was raised that way.  You say please and thank you.  You hold doors for people.  You help others who are in distress.  You are not rude...

And for the most part, I have done a good job at living being polite.

And, also, at the same time, I have been very rude at critical mass moments where I feel like my rights or the rights of others are being trampled upon.  Sometimes, I just cannot do the polite thing and keep my fucking mouth shut.

Often though, there is no thought at all.  I just say the thing.  It flies out of my mouth and then lands on you.  And I can see instantaneously that I should have paused, I should have kept that one in.  I should have just NOT said what I said.

I really have no real hope that I will ever find a balance that works out better for all of us.  I just really don’t.  How is that for some honesty?

I do feel like I do better saying what I think than what I feel.  I still operate in this life like my feelings are this private mystery that only I am authorized access, and sometimes not even I know.  It is like I have this top secret clearance thing going on and sometimes not even I make the cut. And you, well, you almost never do.

It is very hard to change a life long pattern of being quite verbose with thoughts and very miserly with feelings...I am not sure I can really change it...but I persist.

It has been an awkward life of me always blurting out what I think, injuring your feelings in the process.  I think we are all just going to say what we think and then have a relatively tough skin about it.  I can’t tell you how often I am wrong about that...

I will keep trying to read the room better and grant you at least a one day pass into how I really feel about things.  I guess a little clue into how I operate:  If I am talking about what I think, you can be pretty damn sure I am doing that to avoid talking about what I feel.

Fuck.  That is some truth right there!

Again, still...