2021 is wrapping up. And I find myself where I always do this time of year, in the middle of an emotional maelstrom. It seems that all my efforts all year long come into direct conflict with my character defects and I am forced to analyze the situations that are plaguing me...
I know what I want. I am just very unsure how to get there. And today that has left me depleted and tired. I really would like to call in sick today but I won’t. Because that is not who I am. I haven’t called in sick in like a million years. Ok, maybe not a million. A fuck ton.
Searching for meaning is hard. It demands and takes a lot. I wish I was a person who was more content with whatever. I wish that I was not always so driven. It is annoying, even to me.
Here is what I know today...that regardless of the hardship or the effort, I will continue to search to meaning, even if only for myself. I can’t do it any other way. Today I know what brings meaning to my life and it appears that might be at odds with a great number of other people and things in my life...and that is ok. I cannot will it to be otherwise so I just have to accept what is and just allow whatever process towards meaning to unfold exactly as it is.
Sometimes, searching for meaning is lighthearted and fun. Sometimes it is a lot of fucking work. Sometimes it is exciting and other times so mind numbingly boring that you think you might actually off yourself just for a little excitement.
Today it is painful. Today it is hard. Today I don’t want to continue searching. But that is just a temporary feeling on a long path. I will be fine. I just don’t want to do it all today. And so today’s search for meaning means that I just have to show up and do the next indicated thing...and trust that all will be better at some future time that is currently uncertain. Searching for meaning isn’t always fun, or uplifting. Sometimes you have to meet yourself where you are and be ok with the assessment that your current life circumstances are so very far off from being meaningful.
And that is where I am today...
And it is ok.
I know it will change.
It always does because life lived without meaning is fundamentally meaningless...so we search because to not would be a cessation of living.
