How can it be that I feel that I have spent most of my life single, but then look back and have so many relationships? I mean, I have dated, a lot. Like a lot, a lot.
I think there was always this feeling deep within me that felt that I had to give everyone who was mildly interested in me a go. I mean kick the tires and all that. It wasn’t because I really liked them or even that they really liked me...just that they were there and I was afraid to “miss” an opportunity.
That resulted in me dating a lot of people that I would have been better off not dating. And that isn’t because they were not good choices, but more like I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t interested. I was just afraid to say no. To them. To the universe who put them in my path. Basically I have had FOMO in the dating department. So much in the delusion of control that if I didn’t say yes and at least go on the first date, well then perhaps I would never get to go again. Dumb.
Stupid I know. I am not claiming any moral high ground on men or dating. I have made probably the most mistakes in my life right here in this department. Dating, men, relationshiping has equalled relative disaster for me repeatedly.
There are several reasons...
Reason #1: Dishonesty: theirs and mine.
I have habitually selected people who would willingly lie to me and I would readily accept it. These were not horrible people, just people who wanted what they wanted and that seemed to fit nicely with what I wanted. Except it never did.
I also was a liar. I paid a lot of lip service to wanting a relationship when all I really wanted was sex or fun or attention. I didn’t really care about the person at all. I was just on a selfish tirade and they were consumed on my way to wherever the fuck I thought I was going.
This is probably the biggest reason I am not wanting to date or relationship right now. I still doubt my ability to be honest. I have this tendency when in close proximity with a man to shut down the whole “what is really going on in Erin’s head” thing. I say what is nice, polite, expected. I do not share how I really feel. This is, of course, my fault. Totally. And this isn’t what I have wanted, like ever, but it is who I am in relationship. And until and unless I somehow find the balls to be me, and let you see that, even if you aren’t going to like it, I have no business being in any kind of relationship with you.
If I can’t tell you that you hurt my feelings, pissed me off, behaved in manner that I do not like, then what the fuck are we even doing? Seriously, it is almost criminal the amount of time I have spent in relationships with men lying to them and not even knowing that I am doing it. I wasn’t trying to be an asshole. I just couldn’t let you in enough to tell you the truth.
I will also add here that I do not like admitting this. I have resisted my urge to delete all of this and write another blog that isn’t this personal or intimate. But I need to own this shit or it will own me forever.
Reason #2: FOMO
Fear Of Missing Out. That has driven more of my dating behavior than anything else. My sponsor would ask me what I liked about the guy who asked me out and I would say things like, “he seems nice,” “he asked,” “what if he is amazing and I turn him down?”
All horrible things to say about going out with someone. Seriously, if anyone said those things about going out with me, I would want them to cancel. Please spare us both. This is not some booby prize dating life, I mean we date so that we can find someone we dig. Seriously, dig in a way that lights us up and gets us. Someone who makes life better, brighter, funner, happier. That is who we should be dating. Not whatever person happens to be in front of us.
And I am fucking guilty here. Knowing a guy is all wrong for me on a hundred levels but then there is this little niggly doubt, an insecurity on my side that makes me feel like if I don’t go or say yes that I am somehow damming the dating flow. There would be some sort of dating log jam that would completely stop the universe from sending datable men my way.
I know, STUPID. I really don’t like being this honest. But I am hopeful that owning my shit here can hold me accountable so that I stop doing stupid shit in the dating department.
Reason #3: FEAR
Not just of missing out. Fear of letting someone get close. I have had times in my life where I have been dating several different people at a time. This isn’t a brag. It is sad. Pathetic even. Makes me sick to admit it really. But I have done that because my ego was so insecure that I needed all that attention to prove to myself that I was worthwhile. Except it never made me feel worthwhile. It made me feel awful. It made me feel sporadic and defused. Spread out over and way too thin. It was not a good feeling but I was just too insecure to do anything else.
Also, if you date a whole slough of people at once, then you don’t really have to get intimate with any of them. They are just something to do, someone to spend time with and they too are not really looking for a lasting commitment or intimacy. They are just there, doing the deal too.
I have been so afraid of loving and losing that I just kinda removed the whole loving, intimacy thing from dating. Again, I KNOW this is fucked up. And I will say that I have made some recent progress on this.
Reason #4: I don’t really want a relationship
Ok, this is going to be brutal and hard to admit. And this is also really a more recent revelation...
I like my life. In fact, I love my life. I am having a blast doing all the stuff I love doing and I have yet to meet one person, friend or date, that I want to really share that with, like all the time.
I am happy and content in my own skin for the first time ever. Like seriously in my whole life. I enjoy being alone and doing all the stuff that I like to do that is solitary. And for the first time, my head is not chewing on me all the time telling me that it should be different. I should be different. I should want something other than what I actually want.
And I have no idea when this is going to change. I love spending time with friends, my parents, my kids, my pets. I have not met anyone in a dating capacity that I felt like that about. Many of the dates I have been on, make me want to go home and never date again. And it has taken me a very long time to see that this feeling that I get isn’t because of the guys, it is because I am forcing myself to do something that I really do not want to do. Date.
So I am stopping it. Not dating, not forever. Just not dating when I don’t want to go out with someone. Seems like the most honest and loving thing I can do for all involved.
I want to be wowed! I want to be amazed and anything that isn’t that, doesn’t deserve my time. And whomever is asking deserves more from me than a “ok, I guess, why not?”
Clearly I have no idea what I am doing. And that is just going to have to be ok, with me, anyway, for now.
I feel like I have spent most of my life chasing the dream of having someone really get me, that true love and loving thing that I see other people have. And so far, it has totally alluded me. So for now, I am focusing my energies elsewhere. No dating out of boredom, FOMO, because I can’t say what I really think so I just say yes as a place holder. That is fundamentally dishonest to myself and to whomever I am going out with.
Someday, perhaps, I will meet someone and there will be that feeling where I just want to know more, learn more, that I can’t stop thinking about. And that same person will feel the same way about me. Maybe that happens next week, maybe that happens never. Either way or anything in between, I have this amazing life that I have wasted so much time, energy and effort, searching for someone to share it with, only to find that I love sharing it with me. I am enough, right here as I am. I can love me and no one else has to be involved. Me and God, I guess.
I guess my solo life is never really a solo life when you have this intimate relationship with a God of your own understanding. And today, that is plenty. I am happy. I am grateful. I love my life. And perhaps someday, God will see fit to send me that big, giant love. And I will be ready. Until then I have a lot of work to do, things to write, beaches to walk, dogs to play with, businesses to start, kids to raise, parents to help. And that is truly, right here, right now, living my best life and I fucking love it and am grateful for every single minute of it.
And I will still work on my truth telling and intimacy issues, I see they block me more than anything else. And I start here, where I can own that I am the commonality, the common denominator in all my prior relationships. I am reason numero uno that nothing has worked so far...I have been in those relationships...and that is why they didn’t work out. Me, I am the problem which is the best news ever! Because if I am not the problem then there is no solution...
But I am, so there is and that is pretty fucking amazing.
Solo means to me “somehow offering love only” and the one that I have neglected, ignored and completely ran from the most in this life, is me. So I am going to keep going and somehow offering love only to myself and see what happens next. Exciting!