I mentioned these the other day. And I have been trying to distill them to some sort of manageable list. I can’t think of 27 things that I should be applying in my life every day. It is too much for me. I am not a saint...not by a long shot. That is clearly not a goal of mine, you know this if you have ever spent any time with me at all.
But I do want to grow...and as I have recently come to understand, the application of spiritual principles as a means to an end may well kill me, rob me of any kind of real happiness and kind of makes me an asshole.
See I have been applying spiritual principles in order to get what I want. Some of you may think “well yes, of course” still others of you may think “why the hell not” and still others may think “so sad she is so off course!” I was in the other two camps but have been enlightened the past week to see that I have been so very misguided.
Here is my truth: I was only behaving in a moral, principled way when it was convenient to me and all in an effort to get what I want. I didn’t really care so much about how that affected you, or how I acted in contrast to the spiritual laws. They were a means to an end not an end to a means. But in the last week (thank you Paul) I have come to realize how very lost I have been.
For example, I was not being honest because I really valued being honest, I was being honest because I wanted to appear honest, be thought of as honest and honesty, and for the most part, it gets me where I want to go. But let's be super crystal clear...it was not because I really valued honesty...honesty was kind of a guideline more than a law...
So some of you may say, “What is the big deal? Why is that not enough?”
Because the principle of honesty was being deployed to meet selfish and self centered ends...
Dammit. Fuck. I hate this truth.
But it is true. I was not honest because I really valued honesty, I was being honest because that was the quickest way in that moment to get what I wanted. And the whole of my existence was to get what I wanted RIGHT FUCKING NOW!
So very true.
So very sad.
So very misguided.
What I have learned this week is that in order to have the kind of life I really want, I have to be honest not just when it suits me or you. I have to be honest all the time, even about those motives that I do not want you to know about...even about those things that I would rather keep quiet about. Even those things that I am pretty sure if I share with you, will cause you to leave, think less of me or talk badly about me.
What I learned this past week is that one can go through life using spiritual principles as tools to meet selfish ends...but living like that really does make your life a life run on self. And it kind of makes me an asshole...the fact that I am using spiritual principles to gain selfish ground, honestly makes me more of a jerk than those people who are actively lying...at least they are honest in their deceit.
I am not sure I am making sense...but I am going to keep trying. I feel like this is a BIG truth and I am having a hard time distilling it and then seeing how it is working or not in my life. I am in the inventory phase of this and in for a rough patch as the denial and delusion fall away and I see who I am and how I am and why. And I guess I should apologize for dragging you along...except you can always stop reading...
So over the next few days I am going to write about the spiritual principles that I believe are essential to my living a life based on love.
Here they are in order of application - because I believe that I have to access the first one always, before I have a prayer of ever making it to the next one. Kind of like a staircase that ascends to a mountain top...I can climb two at a time but I am missing the building blocks. I might make it to the vista at the top faster, but I have cheated myself out of important and, in fact, perhaps vital information on my way. And what is my rush anyway? Wouldn’t the vista be better if I was a more complete, centered and loving version of myself when I get to the top?
Spiritual growth has to be the point of my life...seriously. It isn’t about getting more money, a better house, a guy, better clothes...it has to be about me cleaning up my internal house so that I can be of service to others. This is my fate and my salvation. And it is high time I started acting like it...
So for me, these are the principles that I must apply in all of my affairs...and in this order - as if one is really a gateway to the next. Bear with me, I certainly don’t have it all figured out, but I am willing to share what I have learned, what I am learning and how very far off I am.
I do this because I have a need to tell you. I do this because I want you to know me. And I want to know you...really. So I open up this space for us to converse about things that matter, things that change our lives, concepts and ideas that make this world a better more loving place.
I think, it goes like this...
Honesty
Open Mindedness
Willingness.
Without the above three, I will never, ever get to these:
Surrender
Hope
Faith
Trust
Courage
Acceptance
Humility
Responsibility
Forgiveness
Discipline
Patience
Service
The list is still too long for me...I need something shorter to be able to quickly find out whether I am off my mark...I am working on that. But for today, this is what I am grappling with...my intent, or not, to apply these principles in all of my affairs, not so that I can get what I want...but so that I may make use of this life that was given to me, and that I set about to destroy. Perhaps the most valuable thing we can give back to the life force, is our obedient desire to become and move toward the light so that when it is our time to leave, our light remains and persists in the hearts and minds of those that knew us well.
