I may have mentioned that my morning is pretty routinized. I get up - hit snooze a few times or wake up earlier than the alarm. Stumble to the kitchen, let the dog out and make myself a cup of coffee. I have to say the moment I am standing there in my own kitchen slurping down the first few sips of coffee are pretty sublime.
I then have to go retrieve the dog from the backyard. At first this irritated me, I should just call her from the door and she should come. But that is not how it has worked out, thankfully. I have to walk outside and get her from her hypervigilant post of chasing shadows and nighttime critters around the yard.
I am a little ashamed to report that for a long time, I just went out there and quietly yelled at the dog to come in and to hurry up. But one morning I was out there in my various undressed states, cup of coffee in hand and I looked up. I know that the sky and stars were there all along, but like so much of my life, I missed it being at top speed.
I found myself in the moment, thinly clad, almost naked, coffee in hand, staring up at the most beautiful sky. Orion waving from the heavens, the crescent moon tipping me good day. And I had myself a moment...
I realized that this was available to me EVERY morning save cloud cover. I could make this heavenly view a part of my everyday. I could walk outside, which takes really no effort at all, and sip my coffee while I take in the celestial show. So I do that now. I try to do it everyday. Sometimes I grab a blanket and sit down. A couple of times I have climbed into the hammock and star gazed solo.
What I feel every time I take in the view is just how orderly the universe is, the stars and moon having their time and space in the ethers. It all works, it is all guided by the same laws and science that exists down here. Yet somehow, I have more faith in what occurs up there than I do down here. I have no influence or position in the star lit night, but feel as if here on earth, so much is up to me. That somehow I am responsible for so much more than I could ever possibly effectuate.
So I have taken to wandering the heavens in the morning wrapped in a blanket and little else. Naked with the weather, the sky and myself. I really do feel the presence of God every single time. I look upward and get a reminder that I really do believe in some supreme loving kindness that is in charge of it all. Some benevolent force that keeps the stars hanging right where they are supposed to be and the moon in full view as its shape shifts through time.
Every morning, I promise myself that someday soon I am going to sleep out there, provide myself the full night time view so that I all have to do is wake up and cast a glance upwards. I never do. I am not sure what stops me. Fear of being joined by a raccoon or possum. Forgetfulness. Most likely it is my failure to slow down enough to remember that this is my life. I am never promised another starry night or clear sky. But, I always think I am. I can postpone for tomorrow that which seems like too great a task for today. And we all know, that we simply may never get another one.
What I have come to know is that I trust the universe and its compassion more than I ever have before...my will is needed less and less and I find myself just trusting that everything is right where it is supposed to be, including me. My only real purpose, is to show up for my life, be kind and to love with all that I am. Everyone. No exceptions. This of course is impossible. But my life best used is to try everyday.
So this morning as the dog chased critters unnamed around the pool, I stood and looked upward, I peered into the vast expanse of time and space and I claimed my rightful spot in it all. Humbly stating that I am here and it is for a purpose. I enjoyed the view and felt part of something larger than myself. Present. Alive. Amazed.
I finally got the dog back in without too much ado...and I knew that I was immensely grateful for my life as it is right now. I need nothing more, I am content and at peace with all that is happening for me in this moment. I felt this while at the same time knowing that later today, I will find some person, place or thing unacceptable to me and I will rail against it. I laughed. Because I know that it is true.
Someday I would like to share that view, the morning routine with another. But today, I was super happy to be present for myself. To acknowledge how very hard I have worked to enjoy the life that is solely mine. And because of how it has all unfolded, it is this morning routine that has given me the most fundamental and important gift, the ability to see the stars as the day begins and know that if I want them, they will always be there. However, the clouds will come and the view will be obscured...but that changes nothing unless I let it. And that for me is the essence of faith, being able to see the good, the stars, the moon, the galaxies regardless of whatever the weather. And I can see my own emotions in the same way, temporarily covering the essence of myself in some sort of misguided effort to detract me from the truth...that in this moment all is well...always.
