Another May Sarton quote...she really was quite an amazing woman! I feel a kinship with her because she was not perfect while she was trailblazing for us women back in the day. Thanks for all your efforts to bring equality for all and for your beautiful poetry. And for being a terrifying goddess on a rampage...
Um, yes. I have been her too.
Never intentionally. No. Never. (Ok, maybe a couple of times)
But often, nevertheless.
I was angry. Super angry a lot in my life. Mostly from some unfairnesses that plagued me at a young age. But then, that seemed to fuel so much rancor and rage in just about every other area of my life, like it was a cancer that infected me, slowly eating away at the non-pissed off parts of my soul until there was nothing left...just rage and rampage.
Until I found recovery...
Then I was no longer able to hide myself from myself. My behaviors, all of them, were revealed in something like an internal rampage, me seeing clearly that I was a wrecking ball in the lives of others and my own; I had to make some changes.
And I would love, right here, to claim more progress. Like a lot more. Unfortunately, nope. Not nearly as much as I would like to think there should be. Sigh.
I know that I have been that “terrifying goddess on a rampage” in my children’s lives. Flying off the handle about this or that. Sometimes their conduct warranted my extreme reaction, but rarely.
I love the imagery of the goddess who, at least when I think of goddess, I think of this benevolent, peaceful soul. I do not think of what May’s image conjures up, a she-devil on horseback, bow and arrow in hand, hair on fire, with eyes shooting flames of destructions in all directions, no one spared...well, that is what she looks like to me...
But this image also brings to question, what happened to her? Why is the goddess on a rampage? Why is she terrifying? My only real answer is that she is terrified, that is when I notice people to be their most terrifying, when they themselves are flying high in the sky of fear. And she has been wronged. So wronged, and there is little to nothing she can do to make it right.
Fuck if I don’t know that feeling...
But, she remains a goddess all the same. And I think I love that image most of all. That all women, have within them this goodness, this goddess like person who is wonderful and kind, and capable of great acts of goodness. But there are times when she is lit up with terror and fear that she turns outward and a rampage ensues. Fuck, I totally get that too.
I think I am less terrifying and go on far less rampages today...but I am not sure that is progress because I have learned to stuff a lot. So horrified at my previous eruptive nature, I have shut it all down and now roil controlled and locked down far more often than I should.
I am not sure I will ever get the whole balance thing correct when it comes to emotions and my reactions, inward and outward. But I love this image and it heals me. I do not want to be the flaming goddess on horseback, shooting down those I love with arrows slung out of terror and frustration (well, most of the time anyway...sometimes I do still love a good row). I do not want to be her, but somewhere along this life, I just am. Not often, less than I used to be, but she lives on still inside me and that is not likely going to change. I can only live with it like a cancer that always threatens to kill me, but never actually does. I learn to manage it, control what I can and do my best to keep the rampages to a minimum.
I am currently working on telling the people I am upset with first, before I go tell everyone else. Seems very un-goddess like really. And kind of lame. But I realize that I all too often bleed myself out all over everything, EXCEPT the person most in need of my true feelings and heart. I pull emotional punches in some sort of misguided effort to maintain the upper hand. It is perhaps these times, a tamer version of my fiery goddess should ride in, holding back the arrows and flames, but riding in with the dramatic flair garnered to gain attention and command an audience worthy of my attention. And then to bravely speak my truth, and perhaps if I did this more often, there would be less and less need for a terrifying version of myself to go on rampages...
Well, I can try.
