My daughter has been riding horses since she was 4. She wasn’t really into the whole competition thing in the beginning - she did a few shows here and there but it was something that was stressful and not something she wanted to do. But that has changed. She is now beginning her competition career and she is so into it. As much as she loves her friends, parties and boys, she loves her horses more. And she give herself and them the time they deserve. And I am so fucking grateful I paid the money, I put in the time, that I trusted her gut when at 4 years old she said, “mommy, I need to ride horses...” Not I want to or it would be fun to but I need to.
I didn’t post anything on International Women’s Day...mostly because I was busy being a woman so I was parenting, working, friending, self caring and didn’t have the time to languish in the day. Being a woman is hard. Not that being a man is any less hard. It is just that they are very differently hard.
So yesterday I sat ring side to my daughter’s journey. Her journey into becoming a woman. And I watched the little girl I have come to know and love so well, blossom into an accomplished equestrian as well as a girl who is almost a girl no longer.
I found myself thinking as I watched her and the other girls yesterday, wondering if we were doing a good enough job to prepare them for the massive task it takes to be a woman. I wondered if there was really any right amount of preparation for the things that are asked of us as women. I don’t think there is. I think womanhood is shore upon which we find ourselves, repeatedly, each time feeling like we are landing there for the first time.
Or maybe that is just me.
I didn’t know what being a woman was going to ask of me. I didn’t know the demands would be so, well, demanding. I didn’t know the juggling act would be so hard. I didn’t know, anything, really. I just always felt like the skills would develop when they were required. And I was right and wrong, I guess.
It is so hard to navigate really. And as I watched my daughter yesterday sail over jumps on a 1200 pound animal, I thought that perhaps this whole horse business prepared her more than I thought. I mean dealing with horses is expensive and hard work. And so is being a woman. Your work with horses is never done, and as soon as you get done you could literally start all over again, all the time. And so it is with being a woman, most particular a mom. Caring for horses is back breaking work, with the threat of injury all around you, all the time. So is being a woman.
So perhaps this is something my daughter intuitively knew. That she would need horses in order to prepare for the monumental task of becoming this woman thing. I will never know. I just know that yesterday as I sat watching her win ribbon after ribbon, I was impressed, I was in awe and I was proud of this girl who is almost not a girl anymore. I watched her poise, grace and talent soar over hurdle after hurdle, and make her way through not just the show, but her life.
In the equine world, we call it equitation - the ability of the rider to ride correctly and effectively. And I watched yesterday, as my kid did just that. She rode correctly and effectively through the show and also this journey into womanhood. Proud blossomed in my chest for this girl who is fearless most of the time (except for needles and spiders) and takes life by the horns and runs with it.
And life often feels like a show for me. And often I do not feel like I present well. I am not well equipped for all life throws at me and to me and around me. Always flinging myself at whatever comes next but never sure that I will ever stick the landing.
But yesterday I watched this girl of mine on her journey toward this woman thing she is becoming, I watched her win best in show. Not actually, because that isn’t part of the event, but from all perspectives, she won handsomely. At horses, at horsewomanship, at becoming the best version of herself that she could possibly be, at life.
While I will never know how hard or easy her particular journey will be, I know that she has metal. She has finesse and she has moxie. She has it, and in moments like yesterday, it flowed out of her and through her and touched all those surrounding her. And while yesterday’s victory was all her, I knew that my own efforts at this whole woman thing had paid off, again. Still.
