I have had a lot of big dreams, still do. I am a person, generally speaking of course, that has had some pretty grandiose ideas. About myself mostly, but you, life, love, relationships, money. And I have sacrificed a great deal in order to attain some of those goals. I have paid high, very high price tags, mostly with my flesh and heart.
It would be great if life just allowed for those bigger dreams to be attainable while being comfortable and sacrificing nothing. But that is not life. At least not my experience of it.
For the most part, for me, the price of admission to dream larger or more “me” than I was currently experiencing, is relationship. I have had to leave a great number of them in order to move forward in my life. Mostly being glad, happy to have outgrown a particular relationship as I rocketed forward to whatever awaited me next. So far, life feels like a solo journey - punctuated with many distractions and few eddys I thought were places that would provide safe harbor.
To be honest, there has only been two so far that I wished to drag along on my forward adventure. The first one had other ideas of his own. I could not be or do what he wanted me to be or do. And so it ended. And the second, well, the jury is still out.
Looking back now, I can see that it was likely a good thing the first one ended. I can see the price tag attached to that particular person and relationship. And while I was willing to pay it for a great while...that is no longer is something I am willing to do. In fact, the price I am willing to pay to be in any relationship is dropping like the stock market on a very bad day.
As I age I find myself feeling like the bigger dreams are the thing I am supposed to do. And finding someone who supports that and is capable of cheering me on, a luxury that I have not ever been able to afford. My experience seems to be I can have the bigger dream OR the relationship...never both.
Before I get too off track here, I want to say that I do not see all of this progress as a vacuum. I am immensely grateful for all the people who have been a part of this journey. I would not be here if I hadn’t met and related to any of them. I would be somewhere else, doing something else.
But for me anyway, the price of progress has always been solitude. I have to pick me and they have to go. I am not sure why it always has been this way. But it has. Maybe it is me, maybe I am the one that set it up that way. Maybe it is just the people that I pick to relate to. Whatever the reason, it has been a relatively solitary journey in the end.
And that would be the squeeze play. In order to attain the next thing, I have had to let go of some of the people. People I loved and needed. People I gave a lot of myself to, that in the end, didn’t really understand me or care as much as I needed them to. I have to sacrifice the bunt to score the point.
Also, I have lied. A lot. Held back parts of myself that I should have offered up. Trouble was, I didn’t have any more access to those parts of me so how as I ever going to give it to someone else?
I have long wanted to find that partner who could jump into this craziness and join me on this broad highway. And perhaps I have that relationship now. Or perhaps, this is just another version of what I have had before...
For the most part, I do feel like I want incongruent things. Autonomy and freedom while also having safety and intimacy. And while I think I see other people doing that, it appears baffling to me. And I find myself unsure of what comes next.
For me the bigger dream squeeze play has always been the risky proposition of revealing who I am and what I need, only to find that the person with whom I am in relationship, isn’t capable or willing to meet me where I am. And I guess the reverse is also true. They have revealed who they are and what they need, and I have been unwilling to remain with them where they are...
And that has always been the price for me: togetherness. I have always had to leave in order to move forward. I have a lot of experience of moving on, and very little of remaining. My forward progress towards those bigger dreams has always landed me caught between second and third base: never really sure if I am going to make it to third, while knowing that if I leave second there is no going back.
Relationships are hard and require sacrifice. And it does occur to me that perhaps, I am just too selfish to ever give up whatever it is I am moving towards. That the price is just too high for me and I would rather be solo and free than committed and required to give up parts of myself that I need for myself.
Currently, I am grappling with all of this. It is hard to love and to also need things that are not present today. Do you stick around and try to make things work? Or do you throw in the towel and just move on?
Hard to know. Hard to tell.
I guess for me what I need to know is that if I take my foot off third base, am I really ok with never touching it again? Am I ok if I never reach home? Getting tagged out in my desperate attempt to move forward in spite of the danger that lies ahead?
For now, I am really working on holding fast to my position on third. It is a nice view. I feel relatively safe here. But there are issues and pressures coming. And I am hopeful that there will be another strategy to deploy, knowing that sometimes you are just standing on third and the game is over no matter what you do. So arrogant to believe that one player of the game could really decide the whole game or that I was ever going to make it home to begin with...
I have to trust that whatever brought me this far, has my best interest in mind. And that love and commitment should never be at a cost so high that I have to give up everything in order to keep what I have. I trust that my path is my path and I cannot keep things not meant for me, no more than I can insist on achieving dreams that aren’t mine to attain.
So this bigger dream squeeze play reminds me today that I have to utilize the spiritual principles of honesty, faith, love and fidelity. And trust that whatever happens with the looming shortstop in life, is just what is meant to be. And I can't worry to much about the catcher at home...I am going to get the lessons I need, no matter what choice I make. Stay on third? Make a run for home? The action is mine but the result is unknowable from where I stand. And the risk, sometime the risk is all there is.
