It has been a hard road, this one I walked with men. Made worse, for sure, by my own stubborn refusal to learn, and of course, trauma. Thinking that this one, or that one would save me from a similar fate than the last one. Always being wrong because I was never allowed to pick. Trauma did all my picking.
It took me decades to know I wasn’t in charge. And even with that, the pattern changed only slightly. The need to heal the past scars always overpowering the more germane common sense. I had enough routes to kid myself into believing I was making progress, that I was working for change. But now I look back and see only pain. Just bad choices, disguised as love, wrapped up in pretty packages, but always the same underneath. A broken man, my need to fix. Resentment builds and were both fucked, never seeing it was always doomed, right from the start.
How can I have been so blind to my own behavior? How is it possible I didn’t see? I never saw that the path of men, would always be my Dolorosa.
I kidded myself with lies I believed. Telling myself, “this one is better, and if not, then I will leave...”Sometimes I did, most times I did not. Always staying to prove my worth, never leaving to make it stop.
What was I seeking on this painful path?
Love?
Honor?
Companionship?
Sex?
Looking back now, the price was too great. At least for what I got, for what I gave, never did it seem I was handsomely paid.
The last one gone now, the yo-yoing stopped. Me always participating with the game. Go away! Come back! Promise you’ll stay. And so I would, go and come, always hoping that maybe someday...
But I am over this particularly difficult route...I see that perhaps I cannot be any other way. I am not completely sure how I ended up here, but am tired and exhausted and worn the fuck out. With little trust left...within and without. Perhaps this is just me, this is just how I am. Love me too much, but not enough and I can never win. Such a fine line, between love and hate. I never saw that I battled mine, while you battled yours and with life like that, where the fuck can one go? There is no joyful path, only the pain of disconnection and reconnection, over and over again...the Dolorosa...forever.
The last one I tried to love, left me repeatedly but then always came back. And with his return he brought empty promises and hollow words. He couldn’t help it, he was so sick too. I welcomed his return because it satisfied something in me that needed love to hurt.
But one of the best things about a Dolorosa is that there are other routes...ones that are perhaps less painful...passage means there is a destination in mind, and the series of experiences so unsatisfying can be refused. For me, it likely means a cessation of dating...because I seem to always end up here. And I have taken in all the vistas I want for now. I am not swearing off, instead taking some time for myself, inventorying to see if there is anything within me that could someday make a better choice...
For now, I am worn out by this painfully difficult route. So I choose another, one that is man free. I instead commit to my life, my dreams, my path. Perhaps that has been the point the whole time, to get off the looping path that always takes me back to the start...perhaps that path always ends the same. I don’t know, and that is what grants me access back every time. It is my own belief that perhaps this time it will be different, because I am different...but so far, no good. No matter how different I become, I make the same commitment to the same path, repeatedly.
I pray I can be done now. To chose the path of me instead of them. I pray that I can just be content with my life, my plans, my work, my amazing life. I am so fucking tired of the Dolorosa. And not because of them, I am tired from all my picking, weeding out the ones that might be good, replacing with ones who keep me forever on the Dolorosa...
Kinda love this image - yep, that is what it has felt like, except I am the one sitting there being stabbed repeatedly...not a victim, just a volunteer. Also, by the way, Dolorosa is an amazing tattoo studio, in Studio City, CA. Just in case you feel the urge to get some ink done.