I am not sure how to explain this. But I have been grappling with it the whole of my life. I am self directed. I have always had goals, and worked hard to achieve them. And I have mostly achieved them. But this personal growth, this daily living shit is where it all seems to fall apart for me.
I make progress. I change, I accommodate, I grow but often I come to the end of myself. Like I take myself as far as I can and then I don’t know what to do with myself. I reach some sort of default limit setting within me.
I tend to be "nose to the grindstone" and then later, often years later, I come up for air and see that I have done well, I can let up a little. I know that I am not done...I have more growth to do, more work to accomplish, new challenges to face. But it is like I get to this place and all my drive, ambition and goal setting seems to fall apart and I just slide into this default setting...this place where I am just not sure what to do with myself.
This is where I usually start a relationship, or shop compulsively, or numb out to Netflix with most of my spare time. It is like I reach some sort of limit that I, so far, haven’t been able to surpass.
There are things that I want to do:
Camp alone on weekends
Hike in camping
Finish my book
Take days trips to local places I have never been before
Travel to far away places
Read more books
And sometimes I do some of the above. But not as often as I would like to. It is like the daily living of my life creates a void for all of the above to be accomplished. I am stymied by the very life that I enjoy living.
Is it fear?
Probably, fear is the usual culprit as to why I do or don’t do something.
I wonder if others feel this way, like you come to the end of yourself and you KNOW there is more of you to experience but instead of pushing through to the other side, you just stop and online date, or tune out with mindless television or allow yourself to be swallowed by anything and everything that is easy but relatively unimportant.
Do I just not really want to do those things?
Am I afraid that I am not able to do them?
Do they ask too much of me, from me?
Am I really just a person who wants to stay at home but I just can’t accept this?
Is achievement something that I have so over done that I just don’t want to do it anymore?
Why do I come to the end of myself so frequently?
I do take time to go away and refresh and recharge. And I am happier when I do this. I am enlivened and awakened from my slumber like living that feels almost mindless a great deal of the time. I pledge that I will come home and make these changes, push myself outside these very limiting comfort zones, and I do just enough so I don’t.
I have lots of excuses:
I am too busy
I am to tired
I don’t have the time
I don’t have the funds
I don’t want to do it alone
And I think for me, this is where the truth rests. I don’t want to do it all alone. But I can’t for the life of me find someone that I want to do it with either. I feel like I have been fighting this losing battle the whole of my life, waiting for that person to show up so then I can do all the things. But when I think about doing all the things, I am almost always alone. Except for long distance backpacking, I have little desire to do that alone. I want safety and companionship for that.
I think I survive myself long enough to get things done, but then I want to move on, move towards something else, someone else. And so I do. Except, this is Erin time, not universal time. I rush the universe, I jump at the next person because I feel like I can’t go on alone. I need someone else to help me level up.
Where did this feeling come from?
I am not sure. I just know that I have always had it. I can go it alone only so far and then I have to stop and wait for you...whoever the fuck you are. And I am super impatient, so I rarely wait very long, happy to toss my future in with yours, even though I know from the outset that you are not the him I am really searching for...I tend to operate with “you will do” mentality that fucks me every single time. Or the even worse con, where I make myself believe that you are who I have been waiting forever for...even though anyone with half a brain can see that there are glaring red flags that demonstrate clearly and without fail that this one is NOT the ONE.
I have been doing it differently this latest go round. I am not dating at or really even shopping at it so much. I am working at it a great deal which is productively maladaptive.
But I find myself at the end of myself again...so much time and ability to live this life of mine but I feel fearful to branch out. Scared I will fuck myself over again. Scared I will break my own heart again by choosing poorly and prematurely. This is the place I have come to repeatedly, only to double back and tell myself that this is NOT the way...even though I have proved to myself and others, that all of my roads lead to this place right here. Again. Still.
I am a relatively smart person but I, so far anyway, cannot seem to think myself out of the circuitous road that leads me back to this place right here. The end of my own road...what lies beyond I do not know because I don’t ever seem to be able to traverse this divide within myself. I feel like I have attempted to climb over, tunnel under, go around, double back and leap into the void only to find myself returned to this spot right here that feels like an ending I cannot ever truly end.
My life is amazing and if I never find a way to get beyond this place right here, I have still lived a good and useful and beautiful life. But I want to go beyond. I want to see that comes after the end of myself. What waits for me beyond beckons me, taunts me even, daily. Because I know there is life beyond myself and that it will reap me great dividends, lessons and life experiences.
If I can only get out of my own way...again. still.