The Fall of Circuses
I love the fall. It is my favorite time of year. However, recently I realized that this month is fraught with someone else’s drama and that I have allowed myself to get pulled into for the last four years. I never even knew that it happened every September until yesterday. I was hiking and cryking and it dawned on me as I reviewed the emotionally labile path with this person. I never saw it before. And then, while hiking up a ridge, there it was. It happens every September.
As I thought about it, I realized that it doesn’t really have anything to do with me. I am just the unwary recipient of an outreach that heretofore I have been unable to turn down. However, yesterday in the presence of my God, I saw that it was happening again and this time I would just allow the invitation to go unanswered.
This is not easy for me. But I also know that come November, I will be destroyed if I engage. So I am going to sit this round out. Allow whatever trauma spiral that is happening for this other person to just play out without my participation.
I see it. That which I couldn’t see before. I can see their part which is always easier for me to see...but now I really do see my own part and then I see God’s part. And for once, my part isn’t blocking God’s part from entering.
I had a tough weekend. It was a hard one emotionally for me. I have a lot going on in my opposite sex relationships and it really ground me down. But as always happens, I sat very unwillingly with the pain and it passed. I hated every minute of it but I also knew that getting angry wasn’t going to help. I wasn’t angry...I was sad. Sad over the state of my most intimate male relations. Sad that I felt like I was on this unending loop that I could not disengage from.
I sent the impact letter and swiftly exited loop number one.
I walked through some painful shit and emotional baggage from another relationship and I received clarity which made my next steps so much easier. Loop number two exited.
And today I have some clarity on the third loop that I have been spiraling on all weekend. I am not sure what is going to happen on that front today but I am confident that I have resolved all of my ambivalent and hard feelings. And trust that whatever happens today will be Divinely led and for my higher purpose. Loop number three will have an exodus today.
So my particular male three ring circus is drawing to a close. Show over. Taking down the big top and heading for whatever venue is next on my destination. And I am confident that it doesn’t matter where or what I think it is, God knows and that is good enough for me today.
What I also know is that all of my withdrawals are ok today. They are evidence of me taking care of myself. Not allowing the trauma or issues of others to keep me stuck in an endless loop that only serves to keep me chained to a cycle that is unhealthy and way too long repeated. Like every September I go into the Big Top expecting the greatest show on earth and every year I get trampled by an elephant. But every fucking year I think “well that couldn’t possibly happen again this year...what are the odds?” The odds are very fucking good, Vegas busting good.
So this year, this September, I am going to do something different on the maley-go-round in my life. I am going to take care of me and trust that that is something new. Me not placing someone else’s needs before my own. Me not doing the same thing and expecting something different. Me not getting angry and allowing that anger to blind me to my part in the circus. Me, realizing that there is always a cost and I usually pay for my own admission and theirs.
Well this year, they are on their own. I am skipping the show and am going to spend my September at the beach. Doing things that are life affirming for me. Trusting that impact letters will land with all the love with which they were written, that by refusing to join someone else’s September shitshow, I will allow us both to move forward in our lives unchained from an feelingly endless spiral that we called love but was anything but loving in its descent and allowing whatever is to come of my third ring to be whatever God needs or wants it to be. I am decidedly on the fence. I can go either way really, what I can’t do is to do what I used to do and pretend that the way things are actually works for me.
Leading a God centered life is not always easy. I much prefer the me centered life, except I don’t. I pick all the wrong shit for all the wrong reasons. I tend to weather hard weekends and come out the other side feeling worse. But my friend PC reminded me yesterday as I spiraled rapidly toward a bottom I needed to hit, that sometimes what I know and what I think and what I believe are so large, that even God can’t find room to move forward any solutions. I edge God out (EGO) and there I am left without protection from the worst enemy I have ever had...me.
So the show is over this year. The Big Top down and the three ring circus of my life done. I much prefer the Fair anyway. Sometimes in life you get to realize that you never enjoyed the circus...and wonder why the fuck you kept going to a show that you didn’t like or enjoy. Sometimes, you just have to go enough times to finally see that you have been attending because you didn’t know you had the option not to go. Someone bought you a ticket and so you went year after year. Well, this year, I am standing tall on the ground that I don’t like the fucking circus and I am going to allow someone else who actually enjoys the show to go in my place. I am going to go do what I know always brings me closer to God, walk in the woods even with the twin mocking trees and allow my life to move forward one footfall at a time and attempting to pace that with God's time instead of mine.