The older I get the harder it is to bounce back...from anything. A break up, a cold, allergies, emotionally draining teenager drama. For the last two weeks I have been dropping all the spinning plates, one after another and find myself having a very hard time getting them all going again.
I do not feel well. I have a cold or allergies or something. I have had a sore throat for over two weeks now. It comes and goes, I am pretty sure it is allergies but it sucks nonetheless.
I have a really bad case of hives and a rash that won’t go away. I am not sure why I have this, except that I am pretty sure it is nerves and upset. My skin decides to do this sometimes. That or it may be the new detergent...either way I am itchy and uncomfortable. And less than presentable.
I am tired. I haven’t been sleeping well. I can fall asleep but I can’t seem to stay asleep. My head thinks that waking up at 3 am is a great time to try to work out all these seemingly unsolvable problems. It isn’t. All I do at 3 am is wish that I was back asleep. Or write. Or read. And I would really do both of those activities when my mind is not on overload and fried.
I am not sure why life is so hard lately. Must just be my turn. I know that my life has been worse and I know that my life has been better. So I guess I will take comfort in the fact that it isn’t a total disaster right now and it isn’t all peaches and cream.
Raising teens is hard. Being a teen is hard. Relationshiping is hard. I guess the whole messy living thing is hard. What is not hard is loving and being sober. Those things make all the rest of it not so bad. When you have done a bang up job of almost killing yourself, it really does help to put the rest of life’s troubles into perspective.
I will get over the cold/allergies and rash. I will sleep again. My teens will grow up and move out...I promise to make them go start their own lives away from me and our dynamic. For everyone’s well being. I will bounce back. I just have to accept that it takes longer and longer the older I get. And my faith that a rebound is on the horizon flags the more time passes.
Life is good. It just doesn’t feel so great right now. I have a friend who just won her disability case after three years of battle. And I have another friend that was able with an intervention to hopefully save her daughter’s life last night. Those are two miracles that I got to witness and I am grateful. And remind me that my bounce back, while uncomfortable, frustrating and difficult, pales in comparison to other’s bounce backs.
Today is a good day. I will do all the things that support my journey: writing, praying, meditating, yogaing, gym, eating well, work and service. I will do all these things because they are the building blocks for this amazing life I have today. And I will remember that hard bounce backs are a privilege really. I can and do bounce back...others are not so lucky.
So after all my initial complaining, I land where life is best - with a full and grateful heart for all the many blessings that I have in my life. And I will put into perspective that my challenges, while draining, could be so much worse. I am grateful I am not waking up in detox today trying to come down from a cocaine fueled death spiral for the last year. I am grateful that I just have a cold and a rash. (Never thought I would say that but it is true). Colds and rashes fade and go away. Addiction kills and maims everyone close enough to witness the horrific consequences and toll it takes.
So as I itch and cough my way through another day, I do it with gratitude and gusto. I do it with the knowledge and faith that while this bounce back is hard...it could be way harder. And that helps immensely put my life and circumstance in perspective.