The Hat Experiment...

So there is this girl on Instagram, (riyafindstheworld) and she wore an “I’m single” hat for 180 days in several different countries and came to find out that the thing plaguing us in today’s dating world isn’t a lack of options, but an inability to talk to each other.  It is like we are all walking around, needing permission to say hi, or make contact.  The hat was the permission granter.  People would talk to her about the hat.  It was a conversation starter.  It was an opening...

So you know I am going to have something to say about this...

First of all, when did our society change into a world that needs permission to engage?  When did walking around in the world make us indifferent to each other?  Why do we no longer feel confident enough to say hello, to give a moment of our time to someone we don’t know, but might want to...

You can go check out her page and see the whole deal but what struck me most was she confirmed what I have observed myself:  we have lost curiosity about each other.  And perhaps it is because we are afraid we are going to offend another.  In today’s world there are so many things people are offended by.  Politics and religion, but now we have pronouns and a never ending list of things that we demand of others to recognize and respect in us.  And I am not saying that is a bad thing, for a long time women, minority groups and many other disenfranchised persons have been made to stand quiet while the world goes on with a narrative that is, in fact, offensive.  I am not saying we should go back to that!  But I am saying that the idea that we should not offend people has created an unwillingness to connect, people are less willing to put themselves out there because of the fear they are going to say something wrong, or offensive or whatever.

Perhaps I have been wrong about the curiosity thing.  I mean, lots of people asked her about her hat.  They were curious.  But perhaps what I labeled a lack of curiosity is really just plain old fear.  We are afraid to talk to each other because we are afraid we will offend, cause someone to fear us, or reject us.

I notice when I go out into the world that sometimes I am closed.  It is like my face has a “not open for business today” sign on it.  And I move through the world with a certain level of anonymity because everyone seems to get what I am telegraphing, “leave me the fuck alone!” 

But then there are other days when I am just wide open, my “I am totally open for business and please let’s engage” sign is on my face and I engage with others randomly all day long.

Yesterday was an “open for business” day.  And two random strangers within two minutes of each other, went out of their way to engage me.  One was about my car and the other was about my outfit.  Both were complimentary and I will admit I get these kinds of compliments a lot.  Which makes me feel like I am doing something right in this world, that total strangers will take the time to bridge the gap and reach out to tell me they like something about me.  And no, neither of yesterday’s complimenters were male.  Both females who just wanted to share their thoughts, which I appreciated.

I try to do this also.  When I see another woman out in public who is just killing it with her hair, or clothes or her beauty, I go out of my way to say so.  I tell her.  “Wow,  you look happy today.”  “Wow, your outfit is amazing!”  “Wow, your hair is absolutely stunning!”  I know it may seem pretty superficial, but I mean how deep can one get walking down a city street?  We are somewhat limited to the physical appearance... it would be hard to say to someone you don’t know, “you are a very loving soul...”  I mean how the fuck would we know that yet?

I will tell you that yesterday when these two women reached out across the great personal divide and shared with me their appreciation of my existence, it made my day.  I was made immediately aware of what face I was presenting to the world.  I was present, happy and engaged and open for business.

Then later I went to Trader Joe’s and I was NOT open for business.  I didn’t want to engage, I was in a hurry and wanted to get the fuck outta there.  And guess what?  I succeeded in keeping all persons at a safe distance to ease my quick departure.

But what it all brings up for me, is how much of our lives is spent not knowing what sign we are projecting on our face.  How many of us are walking through this life feeling ignored, unseen, alone, but what is really happening is we are unwittingly shutting others down.

I like the hat experiment.  I really do.  But I think we don’t need the hat.  I think our faces and body language would be far more effective than a hat.  And it is free.  We all are either opening or shutting down. I think the most pressing issue is that we need to dial into what we are doing and understand the why behind the facade.

I am not sure we have lost curiosity about each other.  I think what has happened instead is two fold:

1. We have become terrified to offend.  So we gave up trying.

2. We are not in tune with what sign we are projecting to the world: open for business or closed.

I know I am guilty of walking through the world completely shut down and then being highly upset that no one engages me.  But upon further reflection, it is me that shut that shit down before anyone even got a chance.

Try it for yourself.  Get yourself ready.  And as you walk out the door of your home, intentionally put your “open for business” sign up.  Move into the world intentionally, encouraging curiosity and engagement.  See what you can elicit in others.  And the best way to conjure interest is to be interested and interesting!

I mean, give it  a try anyway.  It is free and you don’t even need a hat or to be single. We never know what the day will hold for us...

Again, still...