My son is home! So happy to have him here. I think I feel somewhat like my border collie feels when she has us all in the same room. I see the distress in her eyes when one of her flock strays. This is how I feel when I don’t have one of my children under my roof. So today I am happy. I feel content, and I am at peace.
Ok, so having said all of that, a new normal on top of a currently evolving new normal is a lot to process. But so far today, I am doing ok. Not perfect. But ok. And that is saying a lot.
There is so much going on right now. So much happening on so many fronts. And I am doing my best to keep my feet planted on the ground. Nose to the grindstone and head hopeful and clear.
My morning routine is off and that usually sends me into a tail spin. But today I am ok. I am managing it. I am here doing the deal and allowing it all to unfold as it is supposed to. Life is happening in real time and I am relaxed enough to enjoy it. Even the parts that I find frustrating, upsetting, scary and disturbing. All of life is new, each moment and today I feel like I have the bandwidth to deal with it.
I never know that I need a new normal. I am usually perfectly ok with the old normal. I am ok with the way things are and I usually see no reason whatsoever to change the status quo...unless I hate it and then, of course, I am totally fine with any newness I can conjure.
But the evolving new normal, one where my boundaries are challenged, pushed, encroached upon, bent and overstepped is hard for me. And I typically do not respond well. But today, this moment right here, I am ok. The new normal is unfolding and I am doing my best just to be present and enjoy it all.
My son is home! My daughter is here. I am safe. I am happy. I am content. I am grateful for this life, the new and unfolding present, the old and tired past. And the burgeoning future that presses me to be better, do better and rise to the occasions of life, one fucking moment at a time. This is my becoming. This is my life. This is the new, new normal.
And I get to do it. It is not some horrible thing that is being forced upon me. It is the here and now of a life well lived, well loved. One that is filled with gratitude. One that can find the humor even as I cry or raise my hand in defeat. One that I can walk through incredibly hard things while maintaining the belief that I am here. I am present. I am ok, even when my feelings tell me something else entirely.
Life is this amazing evolving present. Lots of turns and corners. And we never get to know what is around the bend. I have a head that is particularly good at predicting the future...except it isn’t. No matter how many times I am right about stuff, I am wrong more. I don’t like to admit that. Really, it is my ego that hates to admit that. But today, my ego is not at war with me and punctured just enough to allow me enough room to breathe in all the new, all the discomfort, all the happiness, all the pain, all the fear and just allow it to exist in the amount that is currently here. Not grasping for more, or demanding there be less. That perfect balance between life unfolding one moment at a time with the sweet appreciation to be here, witnessing, participating in all of it.
The new, new normal is actually quite ok. I can feel myself being moved to the next thing, the next place, the next emotion and as I am nudged forward, I can feel the confines of the past, the hardships, abuse, and challenges, recede a little more into a past that I am grateful to have and to have survived. This is my life. Unfolding in an ever occurring newer normal...which is the best and worst all at the same time. And I am finding that it is right here, right in this moment, that I am so amazingly lucky to live this life. My life. Right here, right now. All of it, even the new, new normal.
