It seems to me that every gateway or portal to myself is surrounded by an area of myself that I need to frenetically avoid.
I know that this portal is there to grant me passage to what comes next and so far, what comes next has always, unequivocally, been better. Still, I languish on the other side. I am shy and fearful, like a cat investigating a new piece of furniture or room, sniffing out things and very meekly and timidly approaching with extreme caution, ready to leap out of my skin at any moment or movement.
I see the gateway that leads to something better, a better me, and I still attempt to avoid it because I want to avoid confronting this part of myself that is hard to accept, deal with or know what to do with.
I am there right now. I am so close to radical change in the way that I do my life. I can see it. I see the portal and I see what is promised on the other side. All I need to do is continue my approach and walk through it. But in order to make the journey complete, I have to walk through some rather ugly and unsatisfactory parts of myself that I would so much rather avoid. And so I persist in my ruminating folly that encircles the portal, but from a safe distance.
I want to get to the next level of myself. I really, really do. I can feel its pull, almost like a tractor beam that I have no control over, removing me from my current uncomfortable, but very familiar life. And all I really need to do is let go. Let go of trying to control it all and myself all at the same time. Just allow the universal pull towards that doorway that blocks this monumental shift in myself. And all I have to do is be willing to stop avoiding the parts of myself that I am currently avoiding.
If only it were a tractor beam. If only it was not still so much under my own control.
The portal is open anytime, all I need to do is approach and walk through. What is real is the fear I have on that intrepid approach. It looms so large that I fear I will be unable to overcome it.
And yet, from the quiet recesses of my mind and soul, I know that I will overcome it. I can feel it. It is this, that place within me that beckons me forth and through all the painful things I so very much wish to avoid...again, still.
