The Value of Flexibility...

They say, "Variety is the spice of life..."

Here is why:

The Law of Requisite Variety states that for any system to be stable and successfully controlled, its regulating mechanism must have at least as much variety (complexity and options) as the environment it is trying to regulate. Formulated by British cyberneticist W. Ross Ashby in his 1956 book An Introduction to Cybernetics, it is often summarized by the core principle: "only variety can destroy variety".If the complexity of an environment exceeds the capacity of the system, the environment will dominate and eventually disrupt or destroy that system. (Google).

It is a physical principle that the most flexible part of a system controls the system.  It isn’t the strongest or the biggest, it is the one that has the most flexibility.  It is the flexibility that controls the entire system.  This applies to our physical world but it also applies to our relationships...

The Law of Requisite Variety applies to relationships by stating that to keep a relationship stable, your shared pool of coping mechanisms and behaviors must match the complexity of life's challenges. When external stressors or internal conflicts arise, a rigid relationship will fracture, while a flexible one adapts.

And while all of that is very interesting, the words I am hyper focused on are highlighted above...it isn’t about one person’s flexibility and options, it is the shared flexibility pool of the relationship, options and strategies, that make the relationship able to withstand the test of time and living stressors.

BOTH people have to bring a level of flexibility into the relationship...one person is not enough.  The relationship will fail, not necessarily end, but fail if both people are not committed to ensuring a level of flexibility and options are not encouraged, sought and maintained.

Fixed Communication Fails: If a couple only knows how to communicate when things are calm, they lack the "variety" needed to handle a major crisis like job loss or illness.

One person cannot bear the weight of being solely responsible for the communication, both people have to be invested in assuring communication is important and vital to the forward progress of the couple.  One person cannot be shut off and down, while the other desperately tries to discuss issues.  This creates a power imbalance that will absolutely kill the intimate connection in the end.

Behavioral Flexibility Wins: The partner who can switch roles—being a soft listener one day and a firm decision-maker the next—holds the power to stabilize the relationship.

Relationships that have no flexibility for roles and responsibilities will also fail, but fail in a way that grows and promotes resentment.  I think you have to decide why you are in the relationship to begin with, if you aren’t there to be part of something greater than yourself, then you are likely just trying to get your needs met and that will only work for so long.  No matter how codependent the other person might be, after awhile, they are going to get sick and tired of the one sidedness...

The Trap of One-Way Dynamics: If one partner is highly complex and unpredictable, while the other is completely rigid, the rigid partner will eventually burn out or lose interest entirely or the unpredictable partner will get bored and move on.

When life gets complicated, couples unconsciously use Ashby's filters to survive:

Amplifying Internal Variety: Expanding your relationship toolkit. You learn new communication styles, seek couples therapy, or develop new ways to intimacy. You grow to match the challenge.

Attenuating External Variety: Filtering out environmental stress to protect the bond. This looks like setting strict boundaries with overbearing in-laws, not ALWAYS putting the children first, scaling back work hours, or taking a break from social media.  The relationship has to have a primary goal of keeping everyone engaged and relatively happy for the relationship to survive and to also remain something you want to engage with and in.

If life throws ten different types of stress at your relationship, but you only have three ways to respond (like fighting, shutting down, or ignoring it), the relationship will fail. To survive, you must consciously expand your emotional and behavioral options.  And this responsibility is EQUALLY shared by both people in the relationship. One person cannot do all the work to reap the reward of a loving, committed relationship.  If you want a stable relationship, both people must commit to flexibility and the production of options, coping strategies that are healthy and relationship building and intimacy...

A relationship requires variety not just for spice, but for stability and for longevity that is happy and loving. You might make it to "until death do us part, " but it isn't going to be a great deal of fun and certainly not what you imagined when you said "I do..."

Again, still...