The Very Uncomfortable, But All Too Familiar Feeling of Utter Powerlessness...
The last 24 hours have been hard. Like no sleep in the ER all night, followed up with Cat Scans, with contrast, MRI and lots of tests which have led us nowhere...and the more tests they do for all the smaller things, the more the bad, horrible ugly things loom.
After pulling an all-nighter, which I cannot really do anymore, I spent the morning dealing with a car accident (not mine). Everyone is ok, well, cars aren’t people, and are a lot more easily repaired and in this case the car has a pretty bad owie.
This is the ending of a week that started off with a very bad motorcycle accident that almost took the life of a good friend. Thank god for airlifting, paramedics, doctors, nurses and everyone who works diligently alongside all of the above. I really pray I didn’t leave any one out...because you people in the medical field are tops to me, every single day.
So it has been a week. Not all bad for sure. But the culmination of all of these things I cannot control, have no say in the outcome and all this uncertainty that looms large on the not so distant horizon, is taking a toll on me.
There I said it.
I am tired. Exhausted really. And my head and heart are currently at odds with each other, fighting between those desperately opposing poles of hope and fear. And the middle ground, which feels like it should be a neutral zone, is littered with the shard of fragile emotions that are tearing at my flesh each time I sweep from one pole to the other.
Sorry for the vagaries. I cannot be more specific right now. It is all too nebulous to be real and I fear that I am just going to put out flames that will engender all of you kind, kind people to come to my rescue, when I am not even sure yet what I am in need of rescue from...except the very uncomfortable, but all too familiar feeling of utter powerlessness.
I want to know, and yet I don’t. The things I fear are horrific. And unmentionable at this time...I know a time may come when all of these shades of grey will crystallize into something else all together, so for tonight, in my somewhat delusional, sleep deprived state, I will just leave that there.
It is apparently my turn in the barrel. And so it is. I am not being punished. I am not at fault really either. It is just life, doing what it does, to all of us, thankfully not all on the same day...but to each of us, the pain of living and the fear of dying all come to roost. And there that fucking cocky rooster, crows out another dawn dawning unto to which we do not know and cannot fathom. I did not rise yesterday with any thoughts of the next 24 hours looking anything like it did, and I did not hear any ominous warnings from the feathered friend that ushers in dawn. I just got up and got to it.
It is our turn I guess. To be in the hot seat, or the I have no fucking idea what is going on seat. And it is my turn, I suppose, to sit with abject fear and dread and work very hard to keep my panic under wraps. There are those around me that need me calm, centered, unfucked by the events of the day (and night). I need to be strong for them, postpone my breakdown until we are dealing with facts, not just theories or ideas or guesses.
Which brings me to another point...why in 2023 does the medical profession still have to hazard guesses? I mean really? Seems like we all should be able to rely on a little more clarity and fact. But I know, it is the practice of medicine...not the certainty of medicine, I get it. And though I understand it, I still find it totally frustrating!
And while I am at it, let me give a big shout out to those medical personnel on duty last night at Ojai Valley Hospital. Every single person last night was fucking amazing. I mean really. Top fucking notch. And I am grateful. And in addition to being medical badasses, they were, something that is all too rare in today’s world, they were kind. And funny, but mostly they were all kind. They made funny, yet unimposing jokes. They held our gaze when fear set in. They took their time and made us feel like we were the only patients there. And I love the hell out of them for that.
And I would be remiss, like completely fucking slacking if I didn’t give a huge additional shout out to our primary care doctors, that got us in today even though I overslept and didn’t call at 8 am like I was supposed to. They got us in, helped in every way they could and fast racked an MRI so that we would not have to wait any longer than was necessary. I am incredibly grateful for the access and quality of medical care my family and I have here in this tiny town. God bless Ojai Valley Family Medical Group.
So I will continue to take my turn in the very uncomfortable, but all too familiar feeling of utter powerlessness, and pray that my willingness to more fully embrace my turn in life’s painful uncertainty alleviates some other poor soul’s burden when it comes time for them...