Why do we do what we do when we do it?
I was asked to examine why I am doing something currently, not so much regarding what it is that I am doing it, but the timing of now. Why am I doing this NOW?
I have some ideas...
I am doing what I am doing now because I am tired of waiting. I hate being powerless. I hate being told to wait. I want it all and I want it now. Isn’t that a song? Anyway, I feel like I have been lost in an emotional desert for a long time now. I have found several oasis but I have not found one that I felt was home. So I wander the desert some more, enjoying the time I spend at each oasis be it a night or a week or a month. But never longer than a little while.
Time ticks by so slowly while it speeds past. I feel the rush and the lack of speed at the same time. I am a time being. We are all time beings. Beings caught in time. We are moved along at time’s pace, which feels like it is never aligned with our own. I see other people who seem to bend time to their will, but I am not one of those, no, I am always watching time from a distance of some measure.
Why do things happen when they do? Why do we take an action we have previously been unwilling to do but then suddenly find willingness? How does that even work? Behavior is purposeful...It is. Always. Even if it escapes me in the moment.
I guess what is always true for me is that time always involves running, running to, away, toward, and back again. It is always to and from myself, which makes the journey more interesting, not less. Why do I leave me? Why now? Why then? What is it about this time, that makes me think it is different...while I know on some level it will always be the same?
So I begin again this day. I start here. Right now. Here. Sitting still while my mind dances around and around. A time being snared by issues long not dormant. Running down the dream but never catching it. I am tired. I am spent from the ultra marathon, so I contemplate quitting...again. What is the use anyhow?
It would help me feel better if the sun would begin to shine right now, but the gray morning lingers. There will be no sunny antidote to these questions in this morning time, only questions that float like particles on the mist. Life is here, happening, I am living to be clear. Taking one moment as it comes and doing my best to be honest with myself about myself. Attempting to trust the Divine timing that exists whether I like it or not...
