It was a beautiful day yesterday. A fitting ushering in of the increase in light and official Spring. I need it. I really have been feeling the lack of light and coldness this year. I am not sure why it is affecting me more now, this year, but it has.
I sat in the backyard a lot yesterday afternoon. Getting some sun, reading, piddling around like I like to do. Making small alterations to the landscape. I always feel so accomplished when everything is just so. Like the effort expended, grants me permission to sit in the sun and do absolutely nothing...
I feel closest to God in nature. Even in my own backyard. My tiny spiritual oasis where the sun shines and I feel the presence of God. It is always nature where I feel most connected. And usually alone. Without others to disturb my quiet reflection. Well, alone except for dogs and goats. But somehow, they seem to understand my need for quiet repose, and support my efforts.
I noticed while lying in the warm sun, how lovely it is this life I have. Enough of everything even in the things I lack. Enough anticipation of future desires being fulfilled while being content with the way things are today. I am not sure I have ever really felt that feeling contemporaneously. In fact, I am sure I have not.
The warmth I feel when alone, sitting outside in the glowing sunlight, makes me feel alive. Like the heat of the day warms up all of my molecules and makes me, a better version of me. I am here, doing this thing, living my life. And it is pretty Divine. In fact, it is all Divine.
When I was a kid I used to hate the time change, because losing that hour felt like I was missing a critical piece of life. Today, I gladly welcome the loss of an hour for another hour of light. Sunshine that makes my whole being easier, happier and more engaged in the life I have the privilege of living.
Today, the time change is a countdown for me. A returning to life with gusto and feeling that is absent from November to March. And I am acutely aware that time in fact does change. Not just the fictitious governmental sponsored time change. But the actual, real, changing of time.
Time is like a river, moving us forward, cutting into narrow canyons where the time spends quickly, narrowing the passage of our lives, then time spans out in front of us where the passage widens and the view increases. Time, is always changing, and we mostly fail to notice. Unless it is hard, or painful, then time gets our attention quickly. And call it hard time served.
For me, the time change is a pivotal moment each year where I can actively feel the expansiveness of life. Where I marvel at the arrival of Spring, the flowers, the change in the air about me. The sunlight refusing to end, holding onto the day like a lover at a train station refusing to say goodbye. I love that. I like to think I am that lover, embraced in the arms of light that help me believe that there is no other place to be. And the feeling is so comforting and enjoyable that I wholly miss that the train, that departure that was so necessary I purchased a ticket, suddenly, not important at all. The train leaves, and I remain, shrouded in the hold of light that makes me believe that in this moment, all is really well. And I am ok, still.
In my vision, the light lover and I stand holding each other as the other passenger scurry about, missing the moment we share. And we stand there, alone, holding each other, defying night’s insistence. And only when the darkness can no longer be ignored, do we turn to walk onto whatever the night may bring. But in our hearts, the warmth of the longer lasting day remains, and fuels us until morning’s new light.
Time change, light change, life change for me. While I know the sun is not my lover, and there is no relinquished long goodbye that gives way to a refusal to leave. I know the light will leave again, but perhaps, just like that lover on the train platform, we can enjoy however much time our love affair has left...and I can embrace my love of light, time change and longer days, and be reborn into my self again. Spring sprung a new.
For Meredith, for I know she feels this too, just like me.